Two years later, the story of Norah...

This picture was taken today. She ALWAYS wears these goggles, silly girl.

As I sit here and type this I STILL cannot believe that my baby girl is two. TWO! (that is a really weird word if you look at it long enough.. it is one of those that you start to wonder if you spelled it correctly b/c it looks so weird..).

Norah and I when she was 4 days old. Photos by Lucky Red Hen.

Two years ago today I know exactly what I was doing. I had just come home from Africa two weeks before and we decided to start the paper work to adopt from Ethiopia. In the mean time, I called a few agencies and told them that we were home study ready and would be willing to take a newborn that was born BEFORE the end of August (when our dossier would go to Africa) and because of the recent trauma with Cubby's family and the "now we have him/now we don't" experience with JoJo, we weren't interested in having much contact BEFORE the birth but would love, love, love an open adoption AFTER the birth.

Check out that chicken skin on her arms. It still looks that way. These are also my favorite colors to put her in to this day. This was the smallest preemie dress I could find at Walmart the day we brought her home......

--Sidenote for new readers... Cubby's mom asked us to adopt her next baby, who was born 10 months after Jacob. She came to us TOTALLY unsolicited and we agreed. She ended up parenting the baby (a little boy that she named Jojo). She made this choice after we had had Jojo with us for about a week. This decision was fine with us (from the bottom of my heart I have no issues with women who end up parenting, that is wonderful as far as I am concerned...). But it still totally stinks. It hurts and it is hard. There was a lot of trauma involved in our relationship with her at that time. We were baby stepping our way into an open adoption and that is never easy. Other circumstances and choices made things very, very hard between us all this point and very little of it had to do with the fact that she parented..so no flames / Trolls please. Read the archives if you are curious, but I am not interested in your opinion on whether we did the right thing or not. I am over it..... Nevertheless, my heart was still a little tender....

Norah 4 days old, at Oh Judy's house for my impromptu baby shower in Utah with Blog friends...

Getting this kind of a situation is almost unheard of. After all, most expectant parents want to meet you, and if they want an open adoption, they want lots of contact before the birth. We knew that we were making a tall order, but decided to put it out there anyway. Shockingly, 4 days later we had it. The agency told us that a little girl from the Bahamas was due at the first part of September and that the family did not want to choose the parents. They wanted the agency to pick. They wanted a family that was religious, middle aged (ouch), and wanted to the baby to fall somewhere in the middle of the siblings. They preferred black parents, but if that wasn't possible, they wanted other black kids in the family. They wanted no contact at all. They didn't even want to know our names or see our picture or know anything about us. They wanted to have the baby and forget it ever happened. The ladies at the agency felt strongly that the family would change their mind later and want some sort of contact, so they wanted to match with a family that was OK with that. We were.

I love this picture because it shows the bracelet her mom gave her as well as how small she was. the bottle is bigger than her head...

After being matched with Norah's family for one week, her mom and grandparents decided that they wanted to look at profiles of other families after all. The agency called us to tell us that our match was "on hold" and that we should submit a file/letter/photos. I was a little bit sad about this, but I understood. I also strongly feel that it is the better in the end for the expectant mom to have a say in the decision, so I was happy to hear that they were being more realistic about the choice to place this child. I stayed up all night doing our file. That was two years ago tonight. The next morning I was awakened at 6:30 by a phone call from the agency and told to get on a plane because the baby was coming NOW.

We packed in a flurry and took the first plane to Utah (lucky us that Norah's family was in the US.. and my parents were available to help us out). By the time we had landed, tiny 5 pound Norah was already born. She was almost two months early. We took the kids to my parents and waited. According to the agency the family decided that since the baby was born before they could view other files, it must be God's way of telling them that WE were the family. They still seemed set on placing and we just waited. Norah's mom, T, is pretty young. She had her parents with her to help her make these huge decisions. T just wanted to have the baby, never hold her, never look at her and just go home and continue to be a teenager. Her parents (especially her mom, who is about our age) was very adamant about her bonding with her baby, and for this I am very thankful. She truly, truly had T's best interests at heart and it was very clear the she was letting T make the choice, but giving her all the info that she needed. T could have parented if she wanted to, but no illusions were made about how hard it would be. She also knew that "forgetting" it ever happened really wasn't an option. Even though it was the hardest thing she had ever done (we talked about it later), Grandma was willing to watch her daughter (force her, even) bond with her child knowing that it would be terribly painful to place her and go home. She felt it would be better in the end. That is a mother who loves her child.



We waited for two days and then got the call that the papers were going to be signed in a few hours. The agency wanted us to go to the hospital because they really wanted to encourage the family to meet us. If we were close by, it would make it easier to arrange. We checked into a hotel near the hospital and waited. T and her parents were very clear that they did not want to meet us before the papers were signed. Around dinner time, the social workers contacted us to tell us that we had another daughter (and at this point we still hadn't ever seen Norah). She filled us in how the paperwork meeting went and indicated that T's parents wanted to see our file. They might want to meet us. Would we bring our family scrapbook to the hospital and wait downstairs?

N pretty much lived in the sling for the first 6 months. She was so SMALL.

The social worker took our paperwork upstairs. We waited for a few more hours. Eventually they sent down word that they wanted to meet us and up we went. LONGEST ELEVATOR RIDE EVER. I'll never forget the sight of N's grandparents. She looks SO much like them. Grandma was rocking a leopard print muumuu. Yes she was. We visited with Grandma and Grandpa and swapped stories. We had a million questions about T and they were really good at answering them for us and telling us all about their family. I tried to memorize the facts, their accents, their faces. I can't remember how it happened, but at some point they went down to T's room and told her about us and asked if she wanted to meet us. She did.

Norah on her first birthday. She still has the cheeks, the afro and the yummy lips. She is the SPITTING image of her maternal grandmother in this picture.

I will also never forget the first sight of our daughter. T was in the hospital bed holding the SMALLEST human I had ever seen. Norah's tiny face peeked out of her white blanket. She had a full head of black hair and a sweet green bow tied in it. As we walked in, she made a little bit of a sour face, pursed her lips and let us out a yell (a look and sound I am now very, very familiar with) and I had a very strong impression come into my mind. The exact wording was "this girl is going to be sassy....".

She is.

These two are my very favorite pictures of her from around her first birthday. Especially the bottom one.

...to be continued.......

Internet..

I am sorry.

I am a bad girlfriend.

Don't break up with me, ok?

I have a new post that is in its final stages (and by that I mean I have written it in my head and just need to get it on paper). Just to keep you coming back I will tell you the title of it.

"Kacy's blog is so funny I set my house on fire. "

Seriously. It is that funny. And I did. It is all her fault.

http://www.kasm.blogspot.com/

P.S. I can't make my hyperlinks work and I lost the bookmark that gave idiot proof instructions. Anyone?

Do you like...

how I told you I was going to tell you funny stories and all about Vegas and then I just dropped off the earth? Sorry.It reminds me of the last little blogging break I took a few months ago (because I was too busy, whatever) and then crazy things started happening to me. It was like the universe was DARING me not to blog. I am not kidding. On the same week, in the same few streets I saw a bank robbery, Mark Kate Olsen (really, I swear it was one of the monkey twins) getting coffee and potty trained Jacob. There were a few other things that my sleep deprived brain can't remember, but I remarked to my husband that it took GREAT discipline (or yet unreached depths of laziness) not to blog it all. That is when he remarked that maybe I need a laptop and WiFi.

Today will be a catch up post with lots of bullet points, they are the new parentheses you know. The only problem is that I don't know how to do them yet, so I will do the lazy woman's bullets by using two dashes. Just so you know.

--I know I look/seem old, but the Internet is hurting my feelings. Somehow my e mail address was sold to a list for old people. It has been nothing but wheelchair rentals, step in bathtubs and stair lifters all the live long day in my inbox. I know that I don't LIKE the e mails saying that I have a secret admirer or that sexy singles in my area are looking for me, but now that they have been replaced by the geriatric set of spam, I am a little bit hurt.

--Speaking of internet. Lauren seems to think that it is an all knowing, living entity. She asked me yesterday if I knew how many minutes are in a year (what, you don't know that??). When I told her I didn't, she answered "I'll just ask Internet when I get home". Not THE internet, Internet. I might have to share my new best friend.

--Norah has started the infant development classes. She is fairly amused with the whole thing. They sign and she CAN do the signs, but doesn't want to mostly of the time. If she DOES participate, we all have to be really careful not to encourage her or act happy about it because she will then decide that she will NO LONGER participate. She is a 13 year old in a 2 year old body. Good times ahead.

--Norah gained 1 pound over the last 4 months, this huge. She is still way off the charts and the force feeding regime continues, but this is the first time she has gained more than ounces and even though she is small, she gained the correct percentage of weight over the last 4 months, so if we can do this for another 6 months, I might stop having to bring her in each month to get a weight check.

--In other news, Grace is growing at an alarming rate (she is a Bingham after all). She is huge. Huge cheeks, huge smile, huge personality and huge appetite. I am not used to my kids growing out of their clothes before they have a chance to wear them all. She is already on to the next size. Pretty soon, Grace will be handing down clothes to Norah.

--We are doing our Stay-cation this week. When I first heard that word I thought it was clever, but with in the space of a few weeks I heard it on Regis and Kelly as well as getting it in my mailbox via a Target coupon. So, I am pretty sure that it will be the "talk to the hand" of Summer 2008. We are going to a Giants game tonight (and we get to take the train!! That is the best part!! Garlic fries!!). Saturday we are going to the zoo. No garlic fries at the zoo.

--Pistachio is the flavor of 2008. I love them. I buy them by the bag full at Trader Joes (I can even get the pre shelled) and put them on everything; salads, ice cream, chicken. You name it, I will put a pistachio on it, eat it and LOVE it.

--My husband and I are obsessed with the Bachelorette this season. It is our favorite. Who do you think she is going to choose?

-- As I was talking to Lauren about what we can do to make the spirit in our home be better (there is some hard core squabbling that rules our lives) her answer was that I should punish Jacob more. Looks like we have some work to do.

--the mystery smell that has invaded our home is slowly going away. At first it smelled like dead animal (it must have been under the house b/c we tore the house apart). Now it just smells like half mold/half burning. Weird. I hope it goes away soon. I hope to ignore the problem to make it go away. That usually works.

--California is burning down. Really. There are something like 1000 forest fires. The air is smoggy and heavy with ash for the last few weeks. We even had a few days last week where they told everyone to shelter in place, not just the old people (ehm, which is apparently me now). Please pray for the people fighting the fires and the folks who are displaced. That is scary.

--Kid Movies. In the last two weeks we have taken the kids to see Kung Fu Panda, Wall-E and Kit Kittridge (we were sheltering in place and no one has AC here). They weren't too bad. I would recommend all of them. If you are afraid of Hobo's or the word Hobo, do NOT go to Kit Kittridge. Don't say I didn't warn you.

--The hands free law just passed yesterday. I guess I am going to have to buy a headset. Bah humbug. First they outlaw grocery sacks, now the phones. I never remember to grab that stuff by time I have gotten all 35 of my kids in the car...... so if you never hear from me again via phone, you can just blame California. I know it saves lives (and really is a good law, especially the part that says teenagers cannot use a cell phone or texting device AT ALL in a car...).

HAPPY 4Th. We will celebrate by NOT doing fireworks (California is on fire remember) and by swimming and eating blue chips with salsa and NOT talking on the phone while driving and eating garlic fries while we cheer for our Giants to beat the Cubs (won't happen).....

BE SAFE!!!!

Scribbles..

Hi,

I am over at Segullah today. (shoot, I can't find my hyperlink page..here is the link
http://segullah.org/blog/

I was asked to write about how it felt to learn about Grace's Down syndrome. I was also asked not to submit the sanitized version. The goal, I think, is to get a real person writing about a real experience. With it you get MY experience I don't (nor should you) assume that another person's experience is the same. This is my story and my journey. I realize that by choosing to share it with the world, I am opening myself for criticism. That is OK, but it doesn't mean that you can't hurt my feelings. Just as you shouldn't assume that you know ME via the things that I write here or on any other blog, I won't assume that I know YOU via the comments you write. I might think you are a big fat meanie and spam your blog if you write something that makes me cry, but I WILL try and remember that there might be more to you than that. Let's just play nice. OK?

If you are coming to this blog FROM Segullah, welcome. I am Rebecca. I wear many hats in my life. Mostly I am a regular ordinary mom that could stand to loose a few pounds and never keeps up with her laundry. I am the mother of four small children. Two of my kids have special needs. Two of my kids are adopted. Two of my kids are black. Two of my kids are biological. It is kind of a grab bag in our family. I have learned along the road that I am capable of more than I thought, to be thankful for the tender mercies that Heavenly Father extends to mothers and to just laugh a lot. It takes as much work as crying, but people like you better if you are a laughter rather than a crier. There you have it.

P.S. Las Vegas update (titled "Las Vegas is NOT an appropriate place for children" by Lulu B, age 8) coming tomorrow as well as the explanation of the famous "sad bath". Stay tuned (and remember, don't write anything unless it is nice, but do feel free to spam the blogs of others that say mean things about me...).

Vegas Baby....

Why wear just one tutu, when two is better?

Lu and I are crashing in Daddy-o's hotel room for the next few days in Las Vegas. This is a trip that we have been promising Lu for a long time. When she was little she was obsessed with the music from "Mamma Mia". She knew all the words. We promised her that when she was eight, she could go and see it. So now we are giving her the promised trip. I have a feeling that the play might be less appropriate for an 8 year old than I remember.

It will be fun to sit by the pool for a few days and just relax. None of the other kids are going with us. Wish Grandma Jane and Best Babysitter Erin good luck with that one. Cubby has been especially awesome (and by awesome I mean evil). Norah has taken to nudity like her older brother and keeping clothing on either of them is a loosing battle. I always swore that when I had kids I wouldn't let them run around with just a diaper on. Now I have TWO that run around with just a diaper on. Apparently you can take the girl out of the condo........

Have a GREAT weekend. Wish us luck in our taxing next few days of swimming, sleeping, watching Arrested Development and not negotiating any kind of squabbling. I also just made plans with the famous Azucar from The Jet Set to have lunch at Mesa Grill. We are both foodies and she is the perfect person to go on an eating tour of Vegas with (or an eating tour of anywhere with, or just to go anywhere with...). More details to follow.....

Heaven.

Well, what do you know?

I sent around a few pictures of the baby to my family the other day. My mom wrote back and said something to the effect of "is it me, or does she look like Lu?". I see a lot of Lulu in our little Ace, but wasn't too sure. Then I took this picture.

Maybe it is only when I shoot them straight up the nose, but I'd say these girls were sisters, wouldn't you? Granted, in our family we aren't used to sisters looking too much alike. Before Acie joined our family in person, I was very, very focused on the things that should would have that would make her different. While people with Down Syndrome could all pass as cousins, the family genetics come out loud and clear too. She looks like us, because she came from us. Not even her upturned eyes, lower ears and sweet little nose can mask that. What a happy surprise.


This is the picture that I am thinking of using for her birth announcement. I took some photos of the kids for my husband's fathers day present (don't worry, he doesn't read this blog...so we are safe). It has been a long, long, LOOOONNNNGGG time since I have felt like taking pictures of my kids. One more tiny step in me feeling more like myself these days.....

I spent a lot of time today trying to get a picture of Norah. I kind of lucked into this one.

Nono spent most of the morning looking like this....

She has some teeth coming in and has been a serious cranky pants

This one, on the other hand, is doing a really good job at practicing being defiant. Today he had the following punishments... he had to wear clothes, he was NOT allowed to vacuum, he was not allowed to have veggies at lunch...(these punishments defy logic, I know..but they work)

.....and about 12 seconds after this picture was taken, he had to have the dreaded "sad bath". This is Cubby's version of "the last resort". It is one of the only things that really works with him(this is a child that actually laughs at most consequences....). If you promise not to call CPS on me, I'll tell you what it is....

But he sure is a cute little stinker. Yogurt face and all.

And now I will leave you with the cuteness that is Ace. She has been chewing on her tongue a lot lately, it is pretty cute. Also, look how translucent her skin it!!

Lulu is out of school next week. She has been pretty good lately. There is still the requisite eye rolling going on, but mostly she has settled down a bit. She started piano last month and really, really LOVES it. Her most effective consequence is NOT being allowed to practice. She is really good too, her teacher tells me that she picks up the theory really quickly and is moving pretty fast. She is going to be in the recital this weekend. How crazy is that? She really loves to play and seems to have a talent for it, so I hope this can be something that she can work at for the next few years..... I can't believe she is going to be 8.

It got me...

I am now the latest lucky host to the evil tummy bug. This is not fun, but could be a good way to kick off my post baby weight loss program. Nothing like a good stomach flu get past a plateau.

** Ironic Update. Our gardener just came to the door to tell me that the vine that D and I thought was so pretty that covered one of our retaining walls has creeped over from the neighbor's yard and is already covering (and killing) the tree in the corner and has covered the roof on the garage. It damages roofs faster than anything. Huh. We had no idea and would have just let it keep growing and growing. He is going to cut it down next week and save us the cost of a new roof.

People like us should not be allowed to have yards. We aren't smart enough.

Ok, back to the laundry.

Look who is so smart??

This is where Ace lives. I bring her down in the morning and leave her basket on this counter. Poor baby. It is like she is just another bag of groceries. We almost don't notice her...

But at least when she is right here, I know she isn't being loved or jumped on by any of the older kids. They would actually love her to death if I let them (and it would be death by way of crushed lungs from hugging, pneumonia from all their snotty noses on her face, etc, etc).

And, she sleeps so well up there that it really seems to be working for everyone. Sorry for this shot of her giving her best Micky Rooney face. I have to get my camera out and capture more of her "cutest baby on earth" faces.

OK, so I didn't fool you with that last post. You guys knew it was me. See, I have NO idea how I come across. I am sure the discussion will continue over there. For the record, while I am always VERY embarrassed and unsure when meeting people IRL (especially bloggers) I have always been impressed with those that I have met. I don't want anyone to worry that I am talking about them..... usually I am thinking of myself when I compare the blogger person to the real person.

For example. In my last entry I was writing about the strange experience that I had w/ the doctor. I was just putting it out there, but I got back very sweet messages about how I am a good mom and how my kids are lucky to have me. That stuff is hard for me to hear. Not because I don't think that I am a good mom (I think I do a pretty good job) but because I know the rest of it. You guys don't know that I have to FORCE myself to listen to my 8 year old talk about the Simpsons and Hanna Montanna, when I really want to scratch my eyeballs out. Sometimes I don't listen, I just tell her I can't talk right now, and I do this even though I know that she doesn't get much time with me and before too long she won't WANT to talk to me.

You guys don't know that when Grace was born, I couldn't look at her for more than 15 minutes. I wouldn't even open my eyes, because that is when it would be real and I was afraid that I wouldn't have any feeling for the baby that I had been carrying and didn't really feel that connected to. And when I DID look at her, I wished that my eyes were still closed.

You don't know how every time I have to take Ace for an appointment I get really moody and weepy the day before. I am not totally over the whole "I just want her to be normal" thing and it still hurts me to think about this little girl being different. On the one hand, she is so sweet I wouldn't change her, but really, if someone could wave a magic wand, I would. My husband wouldn't, but I would in a second. I want her to be normal. I don't want her to be "special".

I am not in denial about it and I know that Ace is perfect just how she is, but that doesn't mean I don't remember curling up on my bed on Halloween day last year after getting off the phone with the geneticist. I just remember shouting "NO" over and over and over and curling up in a ball and sobbing. Crying. Dramatic, no? I even scared my other kids. Grandma and Grandpa had to come over and take them trick or treating. Great mom, huh? I traumatized them and then bagged on the single most looked forward to event in our house. If I was a GREAT mom, I would have just sucked it up and gone.

You don't know that many, many times I just don't WANT to help the kids do the things that they need to...practice walking, read book after book and practice our "goals" for the week. To discipline Cubby and be consistent--frankly, I don't really CARE if he eats Popsicles all day. I really don't. I would like to think that we all have a little bit of this in us, but maybe I am wrong. At the very least, I don't spend my time dwelling on that stuff.


So, I guess because I know the whole story, I have a hard time hearing about how others view me as a mother. Don't get me wrong, I love the compliments and appreciate hearing them. We all do. Every mother should be told a million times a week how good they are doing. It is good for me to get some of this story out. For a long time there was stuff that I just couldn't revisit because it was still too new and too painful. There are lots of things about the last few years that I still have a hard time thinking about, let alone writing about. I feel it is important to put some of this stuff "out there" because I have learned so much from others who kept blogs about their children with Down Syndrome, their journey to adoption and how they function as a TR family, their relationships and trials with their kids families in open adoptions, etc. I am so thankful that those stories were there for me to read. So I will add mine to the mix.

There was also something that Dalene wrote in the comments about how she wishes she could write some things but can't because it wouldn't be fair to the parties involved so sometimes she just has to processes it alone, and it is lonely. Yeah, I feel that way too (oh the STORIES we all could tell, eh?). Like Citymamma, I also have a blog that doesn't get published (and HELLO? Ethiopia adoption is my specialty...call me, B-Happy is another good resource..). My kids each have a site that their families have access to.

So you see, I am just a mom. I am doing the best I can and even with my help that I have, it isn't enough. It never feels like it is enough for any of them. At least they are getting more than they would if it was JUST me. Who knows?

For now, I am going to go feed the squawking bird that is my baby (she really is SO cute...so patient and happy). She is starting to smile now, but not at me or her dad. She smiles at my sisters, the bishop's wife, the nurse who just gave her shots, the checker at Target. Not us. We get nothing. This girl doesn't know how to work the system yet, does she? I don't feel like I have enough time to just HOLD her and enjoy her. I know that I need to cherish the times like now when I can hold her on my chest and smell her sweet baby breath and rub her little bald head (it's been a long time since I had a baby with a bald head). I need to ENJOY her more. And the other ones. My goal today (since we got the babysitter sick and are home for another day--all appointments cancelled) is to try and enjoy my kids. Respond with love and not impatience or frustration. Be present. These are things that I really need to work on.

Talk to you soon

Tell me what you think.......

I finally had the chance to catch up one some old blogs and also found some new ones.

I wanted to have you guys take a look at this other blog and tell me what you think? It is the kind of blog we love to hate. It is a woman that is a stay at home mom with a full time nanny. THAT kind of mom. She has a new car, a big beautiful home in a fancy area and they travel first class. I am talking limo's and private jets (since a few of you were asking after my pictures...I thought this would be interesting). You know the type, they have cleaners and gardeners. I think you will find it enlightening and would be interested in your input. We can talk about it tomorrow.

Really, check out the link HERE .

I will leave you of a few pictures of Family Home Evening the other night until then. I think this will be a very interesting discussion. You won't want to miss it (and I want your opinions....)....

Oh, for those readers not familiar with Family Home Evening, it is a program in our church where we take one night of the week (usually Monday) and spend it together as a family. We like to make this night different than other nights, so we tend to structure it differently than other evenings (since we are all home together all the time anyway...we haven't hit the phase where the kids are gone all the time yet). We have a little lesson (about 2 minutes... usually "Be Kind" or "Don't hit your sister"). Then we have an activity (this time we made crowns) and a treat (the kids take turns choosing, shopping for and helping make the treat). Pretty easy stuff, but fun. We also open and close with a song and a prayer. There you have Family Home Evening 101

It is what it is....isn't it?

Those are words that I have learned to live by.

Yesterday I learned it again. I think.

I took the little girls in for their doctor evaluations at the infant development center. This is step two on a ladder of about 50 steps. Our hope is that at the top of this ladder, they will both have been given the additional help they need to lead productive and independent lives. Both girls have special needs and we needed the doctor to give them a "diagnosis" so they can be referred to treatment. Her Royal Majesty is still a bit of a mystery for all of us. We know that there ARE delays, but we don't know what is causing them. We are just going down the list and trying to rule out things. This doctor asked about a thousand questions and then wrote lots of notes. He ended up referring her to a program for physical delays. This one is what I am the most excited about. We are finally going to get to the bottom of her hip displacement issues and aggressively address her low muscle tone/loose joint issues. There are other things that he noticed. Things like the fact that she doesn't hold her sippy cup on her own very often and when she does, it is with an open hand on each side instead of grasping it. She also doesn't hold onto things and try and walk. She fists her hands instead and uses them to help balance. This led the doctor to think that there is some neurological stuff going on that we haven't ruled out yet. She has very low muscle tone but has great fine motor skills (that is usually not the case). His feeling is that she doesn't know HOW to coordinate her muscles and that somehow the signals aren't going from the brain the to body the way that they should be. Also, with her weight issues, he asked some very good questions and told me that at this point he thinks her lack of weight gain is metabolic, not "bad mommy". She feeds just fine, it just doesn't stick. This has also been my feeling for the last few months. All in all, good questions and good things for me to use when I start my new dialogue with my NEW pediatrician. I liked my last one OK, but I felt that each time I went in I as getting lectured. My concerns about Norah were met with some sort of lecture about how I wasn't being a good enough mommy (you aren't feeding her right, you aren't giving her enough attention.....). I felt that the things that I felt were bigger issues were kind of brushed aside. Things that we are now finding out actually ARE issues. I just didn't know enough to push back.

Socially, Norah is just fine. She bossed around the baby, the social worker and finally the doctor during the whole visit and did her best impression of a two year old by refusing to stand on her own, carry her own weight when assisted with standing OR point to her nose when asked (and we have been practicing that one). I know she can do all these things, but today she just couldn't be bothered. I could have told him that she was on target socially. Her cognitive receptive skills are in question, but since she picked up the words "crazy", "poop" and "shut up" from her siblings this week, I am pretty sure SOMETHING is getting through to her. All of us think that at some point she will catch up and be just like a typical girl.

Ace is much more cut and dried. While there is a large range of abilities within the diagnosis of Down Syndrome, all our kids need pretty much the same thing. They all have low muscle tone--so that means physical therapy. They need help learning and practicing how to do everyday things like feeding and dressing themselves, that means occupational therapy. Our kids are 50% more likely to have hearing loss--usually because of their smaller ear tubes that cause more infections. That means audiology or an ENT. Our kids also often have difficulty learning to speak clearly, that means speech therapy. Our kids are 15 to 20 times more likely to develop leukemia, so there is that check up (so far, that has been our pediatrician). 50% of our kids are born with serious heart defects that need surgery (Ace does NOT have this, thank goodness), that means cardiology. You get the picture and that isn't even the end of the list. There is just doctor after doctor after doctor that needs to be in the loop and as the parent, it is our job to the be the team leader and make sure that we are all working together and keeping each other informed. That feels very overwhelming to me. I am still learning what I am supposed to watch for and fight for.

So, the doctor stuff for Ace was pretty much talking about the programs and what to expect, touring the facilities and trying to decide if I want home care or to take her to the center. I also had to sign lots and lots of papers (ALMOST as many as buying our house). Luckily we have a really great social worker who guides us through this process. At one point in the meeting she and the doctor asked me if we were going to get a medical card for Ace. When you get a medical card for your child, it means that the state pays for her therapies. I actually debated this one. We currently have private insurance and it would cover lots of this stuff. I wasn't sure I wanted to have the state pay for something that we could pay for ourselves at this point. I decided to do it because the social worker pointed out that Ace deserves to have this so that for the rest of her life, she has access to free medical care and free therapies. We will not always be here for her. Also, programs get funding based on how many kids are enrolled, so the more they have enrolled in the state funded programs, the more therapists they can hire, the more they can offer. Fair points all around. The biggest one though? We already paid for this, with our taxes. When you make more money, you pay more taxes, MUCH more--so why pay twice? Why not take that money and donate it to the local center, or hire a better therapist for extra work, etc? Anyway, that was my consideration. Things that you never realize you will be thinking about for your 8 week old baby. That feels overwhelming to me.

I try very hard NOT to think about the battle ahead when it is time for school and we want her to be mainstreamed. What if we have a school district that doesn't want to do that? Do I have it in me to fight that? I try NOT to read the new information about how people with DS are much more likely to have Alzheimer's and now that they are living longer...well, I really, really worry about who will take care of her when we are gone. I really, really try not to think about the time when she is aware enough to know she is different but still wanting to be like all the other kids (typical teenage stuff). I already pray that there will be a nice group of kids in our church and school that will include her and see her for the little spirit that she is and not be like I was as a teenager. All of these things are overwhelming for me.

Here is the strangest part of the whole day. As I was signing the papers to apply for the medical card, both the social worker and the doctor started to look a little bit uncomfortable. They explained that for her to qualify, they needed to give her with a Stage 2 diagnosis. That means that they had to declare that she is mentally retarded. They wanted to know if I was OK with that. They acted like they expected me to burst into tears. I was a bit confused because she is retarded. Isn't she? Isn't that part of what Down Syndrome is? They explained that she isn't retarded yet. To be retarded means you score lower than normal on an IQ test or that you are slower (which is the real definition of retarded--to slow) than typical people at the same tasks. Right now she does everything the same as other babies, so she isn't retarded yet. She is just a baby with an extra chromosome. At some point, she WILL be retarded. It ranges from mild to moderate, but it is going to happen. Saying it doesn't change it. It is what it is. Apparently some parents get really upset at this point. They don't ever want their child classified as this and never accept the help from the state. I understand that everyone deals with this differently, but for me it doesn't change what it is.

I know that Ace, like ALL people with Down Syndrome is going to be capable of learning. Some things will be easier for her than others. I know the laundry list of possibilities. She could be very high functioning or she could be low functioning. I don't know what her package is quite yet. It is what it is. Calling it one name or another doesn't really change anything, does it? Maybe I am just not there in my journey as a parent of a child with special needs. Maybe in a few years I will look back on this and be shocked at how little I know (heaven knows that I do that about adoption, almost daily). At this point, it just doesn't matter to me what you call her, that doesn't overwhelm me, it is DOING it that leaves me unnerved. I guess I just left that meeting with the feeling that out of ALL of the things that are currently running around in my brain and making me feel overwhelmed, calling my child retarded just isn't one of them.

It reminds me of a conversation that I had with Lauren the other night. She is finally getting what it means to have Down Syndrome (for awhile she thought that anyone with flat features and slanted eyes had Down Syndrome--including her Korean friend Nicole and the president of our church, Thomas Monson.....). She was crying and telling me that she is afraid that kids will call her sister "retarded". I told her that it sounds like that is not a nice thing to hear, but that in fact her sister IS retarded but that just meant that she learned things a little bit slower. She would be better (and therefore NOT retarded) at other things, like making friends and being kind to others. It wasn't something to get too upset about because it was true. We just needed to help other kids understand the correct meaning of that word.

I might be the only one here that doesn't have a problem with the label. Just the repercussions....

Two posts in two days. Look at me go!! You can thank the tummy bug that Jacob continues to fight for this one. I haven't left the house yet.

Also, several of you noticed the plane. Man, you guys are observant. Yes it is a private plane. More on that tomorrow.....

So you think you can....

blog?

dance?

use the computer w/ out a tyrant of a 3 year old hanging off your arms?

Hahahahahahah.

You can't.

So, I have been putting off blogging because I have all these great, thought provoking posts in my head that I wanted to get onto paper, but it just doesn't seem to happen. So, no blogs. The good news is that my brain is still, apparently, working because the posts are still in my head. I have also decided to get a laptop so that I can write/blog/keep in touch on the go. I am never at my house these days, and when I am, Cubby is such a stinker that it isn't worth getting on the computer (that top picture was from when I offered him a snack of hummus, and he baptised the computer in it. So, hummus is out....) I also fall into bed at 7:15 each night (that is 15 minutes after all children are deposited in their rooms--what they do after that, I don't care, as long as they are quiet!). I am just FULL of excuses aren't I?

So, I have vowed that I will post something every day this week to get back into the habit of it. I even got up extra early to do this. I miss this part of my life and my blog friends. Several of you have had babies since I last wrote (welcome to the world Miss Ainsley Jane and Miss Meera Grace and Mr. Chief...), some have gotten married (remember my "manny" last year? He married his sweetie-pie last weekend...) and others have just continued to write witty posts that inspire me. More than three people have also told me in the last week that they depend on my blog posts to keep up with me and I am letting them down. There is also a small fear that my mom might come and steal my kids in the night (well, the baby and Lu and possibly Her Majesty Norah--but not Cubby...) so she can actually see them again.... so here it goes.... here is my post and here are some pictures of the last few weeks.

We have been knee deep in laundry here because the dreaded tummy bug finally got to us. Cubby got it first. He had the nerve to get sick the night we had some of our friends over for dinner and grilled fillet mignon. Doesn't he know how much that stuff costs? The injustice of cleaning steak off your carpets at three in the morning is more than I can bear. I might have been just a BIT more tolerant if he was puking the normal dinner of mac and cheese and hot dogs. Seriously. I have never been more grateful for washing machines in my life. I imagine that the pioneer women didn't enjoy the nights their kids puked up whatever it is the pioneer kids eat any more than we do, but it took them lots longer to get the laundry done (and I can see it now--if pioneers had blogs "today Hyrum vomited after we had a special dinner of buffalo. Doesn't he know how long it took me to hunt/kill/skin/cook that thing? The nerve...). Oh wait, they did have blogs. Except they called them journals.

See. My brain really is gone.

Anyway--here are the woodland creatures over the last weeks. We visited Utah and saw all the family (almost all, HI Kate and Matt!).

We have been taking turns visiting Dad at his office. This is his view. No wonder he always sounds calm at work. You can't see it but Jacob's head is blocking Alcatraz and to the left is the Golden Gate Bridge. Wicked view.

We let the kids use my camera phone during our flight out. They caught some really good shots.


This is one of my favorite pictures of the mid's. They seem like they are the same age now, instead of a toddler and a baby. They play really well together and really enjoy being together. It is really sweet to see (and ABOUT time)....

Hello Lu and the lovely grandparents! They are known as Pappa and Sweetie around these parts. They still think my kids are charming and fun, which is really lucky for us.

Lauren and her beloved cousin, Abigail. This relationship is the best example of hero worship I can think of. Lauren really wishes we lived closer and so do I because Ab's is a great girl.

This must be why I can never find those cute diaper covers for Norah. Lauren did this look for her and then proudly declared "for Halloween Norah should be either Minnie Mouse or Oprah!". I am not sure which part reminded her of Oprah. The hot pink head cover? Maybe?

Yeah, I totally see Oprah.

See you all tomorrow!

WAHHH HAHHH HAHHH HAHHH!!!!

It's me.

(and in this picture I am dressed up as Maleficent....I know, I know, it is a good look for me)

Are you surprised? Didn't you know that my husband and I are wildly wealthy and we only travel by limo and private plane--if we can't fly private we refuse to fly at all. We also have a full time nanny, even though I am a stay at home mom. My house cleaners come each week, but they would rather play with the baby than clean (it is so hard to find good help these days). I don't know what we would do without our gardener Raphael. He keeps the flowers looking so beautiful, but I really need to get after him about the sprinklers. Did I mention that there are only certain brands of clothes that I will wear and put my children in? There are certain stores I refuse to shop in.

What? You didn't know this about me? You didn't know that this is how I live? Do you like me less now? Would you want to read the blog of a woman like this? How ready were you to come back tomorrow and talk about this blogger? I was practically foaming at the mouth and I KNEW it was ME. You don't have to admit if you made a judgement or not, but I bet you did form some kind of an opinion, didn't you? -

To be honest, there is an element of truth in each of those things, so lets revisit the paragraph, should we?

Are you surprised? Didn't you know that my husband and I are wildly wealthy (compared to many people in the world) and we only travel by limo and private plane (We do fly in private planes, but this is a perk of traveling with my in laws. My FIL is an "important" man. He works really hard and sits on the board of many large companies, gives commencement addresses and speaks at the World Economic Forum. He likes to fly private, and we like to hitch hike)--if we can't fly private we refuse to fly at all (also true. I am a driver. I would rather drive in the minivan to Utah than fly commercial. I just can't handle the wait, the small seats, the security, the parking, the schlepping.... no way. If we fly there, it is on the jet--not commercial--not because I am snooty but because it is too expensive and too painful. At this point in my life, going farther than that is just not worth it). We also have a full time nanny, even though I am a stay at home mom (this is another post for another day, but I do. She is wonderful. I couldn't do it without her). My house cleaners come each week, but they would rather play with the baby than clean (it is so hard to find good help these days). (I have already written about my ladies. I love them. They love my kids. Their kids are all in Mexico and they ADORE holding Ace and playing with Cubby and Norah. One brings her niece to play with Lu--and I am so, so lucky I found someone that not only cleans my house, but loves my family). I don't know what we would do without our gardener Raphael. He keeps the flowers looking so beautiful, but I really need to get after him about the sprinklers. (Raphael is currently the reason my husband and I can have a cordial relationship. I hate yard work and I don't want to do it. D works ALL the time and his precious hours home he doesn't like to spend mowing the yard. Raphael is great and he can do a "mow and blow" for one year for less than it would cost us to buy a lawn mower--PLUS he does the edging, fixes the sprinklers that my kids break and is helping me design and implement an herb and flower garden. Maybe I will learn to like yard work. Don't hold your breath) Did I mention that there are only certain brands of clothes that I will wear (Gap long sleeved T shirts b/c they are cheap and my kids hair grease ruins them really quickly) and put my children in? (similarly cheap clothes that don't make me want to cry when the hair grease gets them, except Cubby--he gets the CUTEST hand-me-downs EVER from my friend Suzi) There are certain stores I refuse to shop in (Walmart and Mervyns. I just hate them).

I know, I know, cry me a river, right? I hope that my blog doesn't come off like this (or that I come off like that in real life...) but I could because it all depends on how I present it and how you interpret it. I think that all my explanations show me to be normal-ish, but who knows? This leads nicely into another post that has been bouncing around in my head. I have even been emailing with some other bloggers (who might not want to be named) to talk about it. I have spoken about this to my IRL friends (some bloggers, some not). Why do we blog? What is the point? Do we expect the bloggers we read about to be like their blogs? Are we disappointed when they aren't? As bloggers do we feel like we owe it to our "readers" to show all of our selves? Do you struggle with only showing part of yourself on your blog? Do you feel that people view you in a way that is not at all how you are? Do we sometimes forget that bloggers are REAL PEOPLE and not characters in a book or show, even though we get to follow their stories in a chapter by chapter format, just like a soap opera? Is blogging the new soap opera? The book version of reality TV?

Let me back up a bit. A few months ago the word got out that Bravo TV and the people that do Real Housewives were casting for a new show called Dads Club in our area. They were looking to cast dads that seem to have a balance in their lives and are middle to upper class. They wanted it to be "classy" not trashy. My husbands name was put forward and they were eager to talk to him/us. We are kind of the jackpot for this kind of reality TV show. Here are the things that the casting director identified as reasons we would be interesting to other people: we are young (both for having kids and for when we got married), we adopted, we are a trans racial family, we have a special needs child, we are Mormon (conservatives in a liberal area), D has an Ivy League education, D has a good job and has climbed the ladder in his company really quickly, we are financially secure, we have 4 kids (almost unheard of here...even amongst the LDS folks...).... you get the idea. A veritable reality TV show jackpot.

I was interested in seeing how far we could take this, but let me be clear, there was NEVER any question that we would even consider this show. We would not do this in one million, billion years. Mainly, we all have skeletons in our closets and ours are ones that I don't want everyone to read about in US Weekly (if the show did well, that is). Our current skeletons are just fine where they are with a very, very small audience that even cares about them. We also have our kids' families to consider. We don't want to put THEM in a position of being "found", especially Norah's mom. Nor do we want to give them (or anyone else) a forum to have any kind of say about our family beyond the relationships that we currently have. Some people have been vocal about certain aspects of our adoption arrangements and I don't want these opinions preserved for my kids to see someday. These are the kids of things that can happen when you put yourself out there for the public to view. Those are the big reasons, but there are little ones too. You don't get to choose how you are portrayed on reality TV. We could be cast as the sweet, religious family, or we could end up being the rich, spoiled family that adopted kids but then didn't bother to parent them and left them with the nanny while we jetted around the world on our private plane. Also, I am not at this point willing to be the spokesperson for Down Syndrome, Mormonism and/or adoption. I am not willing for my choices to be debated the way that I have seen others debate and cast judgement on people that are on TV (myself included..I often forget that they are real people and not just characters...). Not my thing. I started asking around if other people would do a show like this. Most said no. Then I asked if they felt that their blog was the same thing. Most said "no...maybe...sort of......wait.........". Then I wondered if my blog was the same thing. I had certainly put myself and my family "out there". What was the point? Do I sometimes wish that I had kept it all with code names and no pictures so that people didn't really know who I was? Would that change what I would right? (you bet it would....).

Remember before when I said that I was aware of bloggers that were popular in blogworld and came across one way, but that the people in real life were not nice. That is true. I was mostly thinking about myself, but there are others that I would say aren't much like what their blog persona is. Keep in mind that doesn't always mean that on the blog they are "nice" and IRL they are not--some come across much more outgoing or introspective on their blogs than they seem to me IRL. But I realize that I only see a few sides of people. Very few people ever really, really know all of our sides and see us at our very worst and most raw. On a blog we get to CHOOSE what we show. It is like the worlds longest (and biggest) internet dating relationship. We can pick the best pictures to show and tell our stories in a funny and witty way. That is very different from being late to church and still in maternity clothes, having your kids scream all through nursery and then have to deal with one child peeing through his clothes and another biting a classmate. I didn't exactly CHOOSE for that to be the introduction of our family to our new ward, but that is the way it was (what can we say? We are going for the whole "set the bar really low and shock them later when you show them that your children actually CAN act like human beings" thing in this ward...). On a blog we can be the person that has very clever and fun things to say about the latest episode of Top Chef (which is tonight...yay) but you don't see that we have absolutely NO patience with our kids right now and pretty much hid from them all day. It is like being on dating behaviour all the time but I never have to get out of my PJ's. I'd say what Facebook is for my little brothers, blogging is for me. I can interact with people on a level that I am comfortable with and share what I am comfortable with.

Today you all learned certain aspects about my life that most people didn't know, because I chose not to talk about them on the blog. Some of them are things that I don't really think are important or interesting. Some of us choose not to talk about things that aren't interesting or important to us or things that are embarrassing or things that aren't really something that we want the world to know. Some people use their blog as a forum to do EXACTLY those things. I am aware of a blog that one woman wrote during the separation (and eventual divorce) from her husband. It was brutal. It was full of so much powerful emotion. I was amazed, but that is how she chose to share herself with the world. I would imagine that it helped people-- but mostly it helped her. I have also seen blogs that mostly dwell on the mundane and seemingly uninteresting things in life and somehow turn it into something that is interesting for me to read.

I have had the pleasure of finding people that I used to know IRL (that is In Real Life) and seen how they have evolved and changed over the years via their blogs. I have been surprised at the opinions expressed by others that I thought I knew (things like nursing and politics). I have been shocked and amazed and appalled at how under the veil of commenting as "anonymous" we are able to say very hurtful and terrible things to and about each other and wonder if we would say those things face to face. I have also been tempted to BE that person and leave a comment under "anonymous". I have been surprised at some of the posts I have written and how much emotion they have stirred up. Mostly the ones about adoption and mostly from people that found me via a search. But it is still strange to have someone comment on YOUR life and YOUR choices. It's like being a celebrity without all the money. But, it is something that I CHOSE to put up there, so it is fair game. We all know that about blogging.

OK, this is part one and just some of what is bouncing around in my head. I would be interested in hearing about your view on some of the questions I have asked. Mostly because it is going to be interesting to see if YOU respond in the way that I think you will...from what I know about your blog persona.... I have always wanted to just write down what I think that the people who write the blogs I read are like and see how close I am....

Tomorrow in the second part of this I want to talk about how you figured out what the audience for your blog is and where you draw the line in "sharing".

Back to business...

Picture of the extended family = Good (sort of, Lu is sticking her tongue out, Norah is giving the biggest stink eye of all time and Jacob was being forcibly restrained by my father in law--but knowing our family it is the best we were going to get).

Trying to get a family photo of my stinky little stinkers that wouldn't look at the camera = Not Good (check out Norah..she was mad!! As my sister Nie says "there is a large angry black woman in there...")

We had Gracie's blessing at home right after she was born. For those that don't know, in our faith we give our babies a special blessing when they are small to formally enter their names in the records of the church. Baptism occurs at age 8. So the blessing is like a less elaborate christening. I have heard them called dedications in other faiths. Anyway, it usually involves doing it in front of the congregation, having a special white dress and a potluck/party afterwards. My mom was in town when Ace was tiny so we just decided to do it then. The great part about doing it at home was that A) no one had to get dressed up and B) I didn't have to host a big party.

If I have any more kids, I am doing it this way again. We also ended the day the way that all good gatherings should end; with a game of Guitar Hero. Norah is our favorite family member to duel because she totally STINKS at this game....extra credit if you can guess where her hair ends and the TV stand begins...

I am also going to try and blog more. A lot more. It occurred to me that I have things to say and I miss having a place to put my thoughts down. When I blog so infrequently, I feel like I have to do the obligatory "update" post and I have more to say than that. I don't know if anyone wants to hear any more than that, but that isn't the point of this blog. I was re reading all our posts (both the published and the unpublished ones) from our experiences with our adoptions. It is so amazing to see how dumb/naive we were at first and how much we have grown and learned since then. I have just come out of a year of rebuilding and some pretty major events in my family (both good and bad ones). I have been writing this year too. Much of it will never see the light of day in blog-land, and that is OK too. I think the point of writing is so that we can see progress. Sometimes it is in the wrong direction, but it is still movement. Right?

So, check back for more posts. And, I have a few questions and topics that I would like to discuss and would love feedback on, or just a general discussion.

Here is your teaser--which member of my family was picked to be on a reality TV show (almost)? What would YOU tell the Gap in a focus group? Do you know a blogger (or multiple bloggers) that seem to be be very sweet and nice and sunshiny and are quite popular in blogland and have almost made a brand of themselves, but you know them in real life and they are kind of mean or not at all what they seem? Does it bug you? Should it? After all, we choose the parts we want to show on a blog (as opposed to, reality TV where you are at the mercy of the editors....)..... Does it make you want to write anonymous comments to them before you remember that you aren't actually 12? Me neither.

Gratuitous Ace Photo

iPhone

So, my computer is getting "healed" right now and I will be able to upload pictures by the end of the day. Finally. I have to say that having a small camera on my phone has been pretty fun. Here is a sampling of the pictures we have taken lately. These tend to be "A Day In The Life" pictures.

I have a more informative post coming soon, but suffice it to say that we are all doing really well. I am feeling great and already cannot believe that I ever was pregnant. The baby perfect. She is sweet and peaceful and a great sleeper. We are still working on her eating, but I think she is doing just fine. We start therapies for her next week (that should be interesting). The kids are adjusting really well. Jacob is very sweet with her and is the only one that is at all interested in holding her anymore, Norah thinks she is a doll and chants "my baby" over and over when she sees her. Lauren still loves to play with her, but anything over 10 seconds is too long for her. Derek is smitten. He can often be heard saying "she is so cute I can't even stand it". This girl already has him worked. It took the other kids at least a year to get to this point.

These are for you, Heather and Beth.


This picture captures my life pretty well, TV, bread and butter, baby, cooking magazines (I just read, not actually cook these days) and my bed. Welcome to my world.

Jacob--still naked most of the time, still loves his bubble baths and still my silly, funny boy.

Apparently Norah found the phone

Jacob asked Derek for a pen in church. Then he struck this pose and said "what do you need from the grocery store dad? Ice Cream? Diet Coke?". I might be going to hell because I took a picture during sacrament meeting, but at least we weren't in the chapel.

Gracie's Indian name would be "Ace Longtorso"

The "bookends", Lulu and Gracie.....(Cubby and Norah are the "mids", as in mid(dle) kids)

We play music after dinner and the kids dance while I clean up. It gets the wiggles out and helps us leave the evening on a happy note, since they are wild animals at night anyway. Currently we are loving anything Abba, Mika's "Lollipop" and the soundtrack from Enchanted.

Come on, is she the cutest or what? Go Cardinal

But it is amazing how quickly she transforms from adorable to Micky Rooney

Apparently, Cubby also found my phone

Gahhhh

Seriously people!!

First we had a computer down, then the Internet (can you believe I lived without Internet for three days???). I don't know who has had babies, who is fighting or what the guest judges thought about the last elimination on Top Chef.

I also have a ton of updates AND pictures (but sadly, Ace still looks an awful lot like Micky Rooney). My mom was here for a few days and spent the whole time admiring my children and feeding them. She took the 4:00 am shift with Ace and let me sleep. It was heaven. My sister Kate is here now. She lives in London and is in town with her fiance Matt TO GET MARRIED! Matt is from Australia and the my while both living in London. Now they are going to get married and move back to the UK and we will never get to see their adorable kids. It has been fun getting to know him and when I close my eyes I can imagine that Jeff Wiggle is in my living room. ;-)

I will upload everything tomorrow... so please hang in with me. Till tomorrow.
r

Good one...

I remember when I thought newborns were hard. Back in the day when I had ones that would EAT!! :-)

I keep meaning to get on here and post, but then I don't. Either I am too tired, too busy dealing with older kids that are trying to adjust (and this manifests itself in the form of wanting to be held-Cubby, throwing tantrums-Norah or being a sassy pants--Lu), eating or feeding someone. I had taken some really fun and good pictures of the baby, but they are on my phone and I haven't taken the time to figure out how to download them yet. Nor have I managed to gather my thoughts. Or get dressed. You know how it goes.

So, I will recap the week in list form. Forgive me, but this is the best I can do.

--Doctors. I have spent an average of 2 hours per day at the doctor. Between the two girls, there is A LOT to do. Grace Ace hasn't yet regained her birth weight and she yo yo's between staying steady and loosing weight. Feeding her is a full time job. I am SO glad that I am not breastfeeding. I had decided not to before she was born, but this cements it. Sometimes it takes her an hour to get an ounce down. She needs to have 12-14 ounces a day. You do the math. This is also why I have full time child care. Next week we start the therapies (there are meetings w/ social workers, infant development specialists, audiologists, optometrists, etc, etc, for both girls...). At least I get out of the house.

--Trying to get my milk to dry up was the WORST part of the whole process. It hurts and apparently, my body really wants to make milk. Lots of it. If anyone you know decides to go this route, let me know. The lactation consultant gave me bad advice and made things worse, but she gave me really great advice about helping the baby eat and finding the right bottle for her little mouth, so they aren't all bad. Don't get me started about the nurses at the hospital and the whole breastfeeding thing. My life, my body, my kid, my boobs, my sanity. My choice. I know that some of my readers have very strong opinions about this subject. Great. If you were here to wet nurse for me, all the better, but this subject is one that I am very happy to defend myself on, but probably won't, because I am too tired.

--Ace's blood count came back funny. Children with Trisomy 21 (the real name for Down Syndrome) have a much higher chance of getting certain kinds of leukemia. We had to retest her blood. It took forever and they kept having to prick her heel over and over. I hate that part. Lucky for me they had lots of lollipops in their basket, I keep feeding them to Norah. She was pretty unhappy that they were making her baby cry.

--Speaking of Norah and sugar. Guess who hasn't really gained any weight and is back on the official "failure to thrive" list and force feeding program? That's right. The difference is that before she really didn't eat. It was a challenge just to get the food into her. Now, she eats all the time and she eats A LOT. But, I have to get more calories into her. We have smoothies made w/ cream and ice cream twice a day, she gets all the sugar she wants (empty calories, I know but they are still calories..), etc. I honestly spend much of my day getting my two girls to eat. Ironic for a mother that LOVES to eat, eh? I don't know if N has a super high metabolism or if this is part of what is wrong with her. I am anxious for the development center to get started on these tests. There is no way that a child that is eating as much as she is, isn't gaining weight. Well, I mean, clearly she isn't but there must be a better reason than the fact that she isn't eating enough, because she is. She still isn't walking, but we are working on it. We have added a few words too, so we are slowly, slowly making progress.

--Lauren thinks that she is 18. She also manages to put together outfits that make he look like a Bratz doll. She has such a unique sense of style and puts together some really cool outfits, but occasionally they get a little heavy on the fishnets (she got them from MY drawer) and boas and corsets (she made one for herself out of felt and yarn..I am not kidding). I have had to come down really hard on her to not parent everyone, including me. I can do nothing right when it comes to the baby, according to her, and she is really hard on Jacob. Mostly, I need to teach her that she doesn't have to worry about anyone but herself. I know this is a coping mechanism for her and a way to impose order in her life, but she needs to chill out or she is going to have a stroke at 11. I have caught her packing to run away a few times. The last time, I saw the suitcase and said "are you running away?" and she looked at me and said "I am afraid it is true this time". Classic. I laughed. I tried so hard not to..but I couldn't help it.

--Jacob is getting better in terms of not destroying things. I love, love, love this house. I love the yard and the little family room nook. He can play and putter and go in and out without too much work. The kids call the nanny flat "the hotel". Right now, they get rewarded for good behaviour by getting to play in the Hotel. Yay. He and Norah have done pretty well sharing a room. Occasionally Norah will cry a bit before she sleeps. Jacob will lay on his bed, with his fingers in his ears, shouting "I HATE this song" over and over. My kids are pretty funny. Other than the fact that he asks me for food ALL DAY LONG (but he is able to access lots of healthy snacks on his own) over and over and over again, things are OK. Having a new minivan with a DVD player in it helps too. He loves to sit in the car and watch movies. I love that he is strapped in. Everyone wins..

Finally, this weekend is the 11th anniversary of the day my husband and I got engaged (he reminded me). It has been a tricky year. My mom is coming to town to help with the baby (her original due date was a few days ago). Derek and I are going to have a fancy dinner and stay at a hotel. To sleep. Where no one can interrupt us. That is what 4 kids does to you. You are excited about a hotel for the food you don't have to make and for the 12 hours of sleep you will get. I can't imagine anything better at this point.

I have so many posts in my head that are about intellectual things or pop culture things. I have some thoughts on Top Chef, on how much I hate that the women of America crucified Eliot Spitzers wife (this post might still get written..I am bugged about this), my obsession with The Biggest Looser, etc, etc. Someday.

Will my brain stop leaking. Will my kids ever stop fighting? Will I ever sleep again?