Sunday, September 04, 2005

The fat lady sings...

No baby. Ever.

The level of her deception goes so much deeper then we thought. I can't even begin to think about it right now. I think I am in the fuzzy detached phase of grief and will probably have a good long blog to write when I get in to the rage phase.

Words don't seem to be able to capture what I am feeling right now. I am going to hide for awhile and lick my wounds.

Rebecca

20 comments:

Eye 2 Eye Marketing said...
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La Yen said...

My heart is breaking for your family. If I could, I'd give you a baby right now. You can have some of my tubes, maybe they'll work on you! Or, I'd bitch-slap some people for you. Let me know what I can do. You get the annual pass to Heaven Disneyland--I'll buy all the churros you want.

Bek said...

Thanks.....

The worst part is that instead of walking away, I have to do things like call the FBI, the attorney general, the DCFS.....

Even though this didn't come as a total suprise (we found out she was working with other familes a few weeks ago) I can't believe how wounded I am. I don't want to talk. If you know me, you would know how strange that is. It feels like the physical act of talking is too hard and pointless.....

I guess therapy is next...and saving for the next baby......

lisa v. clark said...

I just want it in print here that you, Rebecca, are the most generous, kind, Christ-like person I know. You have spent what time, energy, love, and money you did because that's who you are, fully knowing it was a risk, but doing it anyway because it was the right thing to do. At the end of the day, that's what I hope you remember. You will rise above all this like you always do because that is who you are. You are amazing.

Bek said...

aw shucks lisa, if you were only a birthmother......You are also very biased. I knew that Kate Spade diaper bag would come back to haunt me...

At this point, I will take what I can get.

:-)

Carrie Ann said...

I am SO sorry, my darling. We're here for you when you want to come back.

Stephanie Aurora Clark Nielson said...

Rebecca...I'll be thinking of you in my prayers...

xoxo

c jane said...

Bek,
I am so sorry.
What is with a women's quest for motherhood these days? It seems that as of late everyone I talk to has issues with bringing a baby into the world. Some don't want babies, or don't want anymore. Others are getting pregnant under stressful circumstances or incapable of caring for a baby. Some don't know when to stop. Some are severly sick with pregnancy, some are dealing with still births or miscarriage. Then there is the group of us who have troubles with conception and adoption.
Something is going on, something really strange, and it is happening to all women, not just those with infertility issues.
I think this should draw us closer in empathy and support.
Just wanted you to know that my Christopher and I are thinking of you. We hope to be brave like you and in the future follow your example.

Christy said...

I am SO SORRY! We had two situations turn out rather badly (in one the bmom came to live in our town, we got her an apt., a dr., food, etc... and then she skipped town w/o telling us...we had to get the police to open the door to her apt to make sure she wasn't dead inside)before we got our first one. I hope that this bmom (I'm using the term lightly) will have some consequences for her actions. It's just not right.
Know that we all feel for you and I am passing you a virtual Xanax (what saved me after our nightmare).

Kate said...

Bek, my heart broke when I heard the news. I'm so sorry. And I have to back up everything Lisa said. You have been such a good example to me and all who know you.

When I was reading Lisa's comment, my mind kept drifting back to the trip to England that we took and how my big sister faced bad directions and frustration driving all over Liverpool just so I could have my picture taken by Strawberry Fields and Penny Lane. You wouldn't give up until we found it, even when I was ready to.

I haven't forgotten it, you're a kind soul Bek. Blessings will come, I wish I didn't feel so helpless.

I'm here if you need anything.

Bek said...

Kate,

You left out the part where I was grumpy and yelled at you for not being willing to try new foods....... Not a proud day for me.

Thanks,

BTW, the deal is still on...when are you coming?

Kate said...

Not soon enough! Did you read my latest blog (of course you haven't...duh!) But I'm being told how to organize my desk now. My patience is wearing thin, I must admit.

I haven't heard back from that lady either, I'm going to email her today and see what she can do for me.

But I'm still in if you'll still have me.

littlesport said...

Oh bek. I'm so so sorry. I wish there was something I could do for you -- all i can think of is to continually remind you of the amazing person you are -- and how you had the courage and determination to do the right thing through this whole experience. and maybe bring you a case of beer. i'm pretty sure alcohol is justified in this circumstance.

littlesport said...

oh. bek, just realized my blog isn't set up so you've got no idea who i am -- this is jen. i'll get my blog going soon (what's up wiener?). so now you know. i'll come over to share tears.

wendysue said...

I haven't commented yet because I have no idea what to say. So, just know that we are all here and it's fine for you to just BE. Be mad, be angry, be sad, be inconsolable, be frustrated. Just be whatever you need to.

Suzie Petunia said...

Bek,
I am so sorry you are going through this. I can't even begin to imagine... Hugs and prayers for your family!

~j. said...

I'm with WendySue. I appreciate the emails and you letting me know what's going on. You're in my thoughts and prayers, and I appreciate your spirit. You're an amazing woman. Feel it all, and know that we're here for you.

Betina said...

I am sorry for your loss. My 2 kids are both adopted, I DREAD the thought that a birth mom could do something like this to an honest family looking for their baby.

My thoughts are with you. This business of building a family is treacherous stuff. Sometimes I would just rather have stretch marks than deal with the politics of adoption. Hmmm. But then, I would not have the kids I have now.

God will help you put your family together. Take a break, enjoy the kids you have, and return to the search when you've been replenished. (emotionally and financially. argh!)

Lorien said...

I'm on board here real late...so sorry to hear the bad news. Don't know what to say other than that.

Is it possible for a person to take a tiny bit of someone else's pain from them, even if they don't really know each other? A literal "bearing another's burden"? I'd like to think so, but not having been on the sufferer's side of the deal, I don't know if it works that way. If it doesn't, I wish it did.

I'll stay tuned...

AzĂșcar said...

Oh Bek.

I am so, so sorry.