Monday, May 22, 2006

The Dark Lord...

Some of you many not find my son's nickname funny, but it has less to do with his pigment then his unique ability for destruction (although it does add a more realistic air........Especially since he wears his Darth Vader mask all the time).

He may not make it through the summer. Yesterday alone he almost fell off the second floor balcony (apparently his head CAN still fit through the railing), he slipped out the front door and ran out behind Derek's car AS HE WAS BACKING UP (apparently he CAN open doornobs now) and then climbed on the sink and managed to open a bottle of Ambien and take one or twelve (apparently he CAN climb onto the counter of the bathroom--but that one was on Derek's watch....not TOTALLY my fault). Then last night as I was trying to read an e mail for about 12 seconds, he pushed a chair up to the kitchen counter and grabbed Lauren's codine for her pneumonia. He is DETERMINED to kill himself. Seriously.

Reading this could lead one to assume that I am a terrible mother with drugs just laying around all over the house. That is only kind of true. I am a pretty vigilant mommy. The kids aren't usually out of my eyesight. Darth Vader is just lightning quick and is smarter then I thought. That should be a thing that makes me proud, but right now it just makes me tired.

Tonight, my sister Kate had Lauren in her room. Lauren was helping her clean it. Lauren. Cleaning someone else's room. I could try and take credit for her helpful attitude and say that it was because of the The Last Resort but really Kate told her she could keep all the money she found on the floor. Anyway, Cubby was left alone in the living room for 2 minutes. Maybe less.

When the overwhelming smell of lotion hit my nose I knew I was in trouble.

Thats right folks. Lotion. This was a rookie mistake. I don't know where he got it, but I should have known better. I suppose it is my fault for teaching him how to lotion his own hair. I put some in his hands and let him rub it in. This has made him obsessed with all things lotion. I will let you imagine how much lotion was in his hair. Lets just say, we won't be greasing it for awhile...and we might actually have to wash it with shampoo. Also, I do not keep him looking like a ghetto baby ( clothes...just a diaper). I had just changed him and was going to put his jammies on him.

I am not sure which is more alarming..the lotion or the scissors. Notice that he didn't just squirt the lotion. He took the cap off. That child could take the cap off a Chapstick before he was one. Rookie mistake.

Also, I had the Stanley Steamer guys here THREE DAYS AGO. Sigh. 200$ down the drain. That little stinker. I could have saved us all some trouble and NOT had the floors steamed and spent the $$ on a really cute skirt that I saw at JJill.


While I was writing this I had the lotion monster in his bed. I actually sent him up to his crib with my sister while I cried for a little while. I forgot to remind her to put something on him before she put him in bed. Why? Diapers don't stay on long in this house w/ out at least three layers on top. When he was still crying an hour later I decided to investigate. Let's just say the smell hit me before I got up the stairs.

Oh the horror of a room covered in poo. Enough said.

I wish there was a Last Resort for babies.................I guess this is why going to to rural Africa is going to be less of a working trip and more of a vacation.........


Lyle said...

Oh the little devil/stinker (pun intended) I must say that none of my kids have been quite that quick and twarting of childproofing. My youngest however, has been one of the busiest beavers in the bunch. He's like a miniature tornado with legs.

If it makes you feel any better, each one of my kids had a phase, somewhere between 6-18 months, where they would poop in the tub while giving them a bath. My youngest has been the only one who has ever played/smeared it all over before we could remedy the situation.

Thanks for tonights entertainment.

Fizzle said...

Is it wrong to giggle at your misfortune?

And how is it you manage to not fall on a heap on the floor and give up? Let him poop wherever, put as much lotion on his head as he needs and pop pills? I think I'd be hiding under a coffee table in a fetal position. Go to Africa. Rest. I mean, work. Just less than you're doing in your own house.

I thought the picture was adorable, though. Worthy of you posting it on flickr.

Bek said...

If you look really close, you can see the glops of lotion in his hair...and on his legs.

if you look even closer you will see Lulu's flowergirl dress on the floor behind him....also bathed in lotion.

Lyle, no poo in the tub yet...we pretty much just like to smear it in our beds at our house. :-) will learn all about hair lotion and poo...but I want you to hold on the dream for a little longer. And guess what, I do fall in a heap and cry. Often. :-) Then I drink a big diet coke and everything is better. That is why I will never run a HALF IRONMAN!!!!!!!!

more caffeine, please said...

Oh. My. Gosh.

Remind us never to have him and CJ in the same room.

Poo, blue paint, lotion and dog food. Not a good combo.

Julie said...

Oh my goodness. There are no words.

(and thanks for not posting a pic of the poop)

Cubby said...

MCP...I have had the same thought more then twice.......they would either kill each other or rule the world. Either option is scary.

Queen Scarlett said...

I can't help but giggle and want to hug you at the same time.

The poo scenario is one I am praying each day to escape. So good. But everytime I hear a poo story... it frightens me.

You deserve a REAL vacation... in secluded spa.

Bek said...

Ooops, that was me above (as cubby) I keep forgetting to log out of my alter ego web name (actually, it is the page for Jacob's birth family).


compulsive writer said...

I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry I'm still laughing. Because I still remember!

When Poison Control knew us by our first names. ("Your daughter swallowed WHAT???")

When the pediatrician asked me more than once in six months, "Now, exactly how did this injury happen?"

When we kept telling everyone that they were looking for the WMDs in the wrong country--because we had one living in our very own home.

When you had to laugh because you knew if you started to cry you would never stop.

Hang in there--

p.s. How's your foot?

Julie said...

I can't top compulsive's comment, but know that you have my sympathy and my laughter too.

I haven't experienced the smeared poop yet, knock on wood. My friend's son, however, took Vaseline to his hair, sheets, and mattress during naptime. He also did the lotion thing to the couch and took a permanent marker to a freshly painted door. She was ready to throttle him.

Yet another friend's son smeared Eucerin all over their beautiful wood dresser and nightstand. What is it with boys and messes????

Someone gave me this definition the other day. Boy (noun) noise with dirt on it.

wendysue said...

I think maybe I'll just stick with my 3 girls. . .we don't need a boy. Thanks to cubby for making my decison easy!!

Bek said...

Poor little Darth Vader is getting a bad rap. Even with all the dirt (and yes, he is matter how many times I clean him), he is also very huggy, smiley loving and happy go lucky. In many ways he is easier to parent then Lu (as long as he is in an empty Lu's bedroom!!!!!!).

I wasn't so much annoyed at the situation as I was incredulous. How could one small person be so destructive?

Tracy M said...

Oh, Bek... Oh Bek! I feel your pain. Nothin' in the world quite like living with a mini-houdini who paints with poo..!

I'm falling on the floor to cry too, while I laugh. Can I disguise my laughter as tears? They are awfully close, when you have toddlers, aren't they??

Faith said...

He is just precious! We also adopted trans-racially!You can see pics of my little man on my post for today!

wendysue said...

Bek, that's what makes being a momma so hard, isn't it? A wonderfully beautiful, funny, huggy, loveable kiddo that creates disasters then just can flash a smile that makes you melt. My kids can be quite the destroyers too. Somedays when I'm about to do some destroying on my own and we're out and someone says how wonderful and great my kids are I just say, yeah, you aren't with them 24/7. Come on over and give it a try. They are very deceiving!! May I suggest what I once heard a friend say? She was keeping a tab for one of her kids on what he had destroyed/cost her. He'll be paying her back for that!!

Bek said...

I think Lisa has said that too...

Of course we get a headstart b/c we can factor in all the adoption expenses.....hey great idea!!!

lisa v. clark said...

Yeah, O-dog's running up QUITE a tab. . . and the thing about Cubby and O is that they are the sweetest kids. They are active, curious, and creative. Teaching them how to distinguish between something dangerous and something "artistic" is difficult, but necessary to keep them alive! (Remember "alive by 5!")

Oh Bek, thanks for bring up such good, messy memories! I'm thinking about chocolate sauce all over the counters and IN the drawers (he could scale up the counters using the knobs as his "rock wall"--we had to remove all the knobs in the kitchen for his safety--POWERBABY PROOFING). . . the lipstick in the white bathroom incident. . . the "we'llnevergetourdepositback" chair thrown down the stairs and "I'llneverbuymarkersagain"incident in England. . .

But whose the strongest (climbing the roof at 3), never gets sick (because he drank from rain puddles as a toddler), most tenderheart (affected now by a mother's exasperated plea!)? We show O pictures and video and he thinks it's the funniest thing, because he doesn't remember, but it sure looks like fun!

Everyone should BE so lucky to have a Cubby, I know!

LuckyRedHen said...

We duct-taped P's diapers on when she was going through that phase (overlap so there's only 1 seam and put it in the middle of his back). Only tape the diaper NOT THE SKIN (people thought I was taping the diaper TO her).

When she finally figured out how to work the seam and rip the tape off we started putting on zipper pajama's BACKWARDS. She NEVER got out of those. If you use the footie style then either twist the feet so they're going the right direction or use old pj's and cut off the feet.

Rachel said...

this is all so hysterical. i almost can't believe this, bek, but i can at the same time because my giz (little e) is equally destructive. today, while i was cleaning bathtub number 1, she was dipping toilet paper into toilet number 2, splashing it around, and then eating it.

and jon took l into a ghetto park bathroom barefoot last night at our memorial day picnic. and there was real live poop ON THE FLOOR. and e crawled around the whole night with someone else's shoes (I have no clue whose) on her hands and then dragged a half eaten apple while crawling through sand and bark, and continued eating. a woman came up to me and said, "don't you care that your daughter is dragging that apple on the ground and then eating it?" oh, i so DO care, but i so DO NOT have the energy to put out every single kid fire.

either way, little cubby is so dang cute that you just couldn't get more than a wee little smidgen mad at him, right?