Happy Birthday Cubby...

I know that all parents say that time flies...but I have to say it again....has it really been two years? Holy Cow. When Lulu turned two, it felt fast, but it also felt like it had been TWO years. With Cubby, it literally feels like YESTERDAY that I met my little man. I will never forget the feeling of fierce, intense and almost ferocious emotion I felt for him. It was visceral and it was instant. I watched him being born. I remember the second that I could feel that there was another person in the room. I remember his little squishy face and his black curly hair. I remember his little presence from the very first second. When we blessed him in church, Derek said a lot of things but the only thing I remember is that Derek blessed him that he would be cheerful and use his personality to lighten the burden of those around him. He is cheerful and does just that.


Now that he is two, he is rapidly pushing beyond the boundaries of any patience I might pretend to have. Throw in a newborn and insomnia and I worry that this loud and funny child might be getting too many "no, no, no's" and not enough "you clever boy's". I worry that I don't spend enough time enjoying him and bragging about the silly boy things he does and too much time lamenting the fact that he emptied the toy baskets (again) and that he is throwing them all over the kitchen gate (again) because he is disgusted that I dare HAVE a kitchen gate. Raising a boy is so different then raising a girl. Raising THIS boy is so different then raising my girl. It goes both ways...some of it is easier and some of it is harder. Lulu is like an alien to me. She is her father through and through. I don't understand the way she reasons things out, I don't understand why she chooses to place importance on certain things. Derek does because he was the same way when he was little. I could make a list a mile long of the things that she does that has said "I used to do the same thing". Maybe on Lulu's birthday. Cubby is me. I know what he is going to do before he does it. It is like I can literally see into his mind and his thought process and know what he is going to do. It is uncanny. We like the same food, we laugh at the same things and he knows every single button to push for me. I feel like our souls just knew each other from the very first second. I didn't feel that w/ Lulu and I don't feel it w/ Norah. It was slower with them. Jacob was my "love at first sight" kid.

When he is asleep or when he is calm and sitting on my lap I feel like my heart might burst with love and I cannot believe that I get to be his mother. I cannot believe that I get to be the person that leads his little soul into adulthood. I worry about the things that all mothers worry about. I worry that the world won't be nice to him when he is older. I worry that he will never learn to hold his temper or to share and play nice with other kids. I worry he won't have friends. I worry he will have TOO MANY friends and always be in trouble in school. I also give some time to the adoption / race worries. I worry about the challenges he will face because we brought him into our world and it will be too much for him. I worry about what his relationship with his first family will be like. I worry he will feel guilty for loving us both...or not loving us both. I worry that the world is a very, very hard place for a black man and we won't know to teach him the right way to navigate it. The moments that he is awake I don't get that luxury. I get to spend that time keeping him from biting, from hitting, from screaming, from poking out the baby's eyes. When he is asleep I worry about keeping him safe from the world and when he is awake I worry about keeping the world safe from him. No wonder I can't sleep.

Birthday stuff. We had a pretty low key day. Lu and I woke him up that morning singing "Happy Birthday" and to our surprise, he sang it with us. I didn't know he knew those words. Lauren also taught him to say "I'm Two". He doesn't know what he is saying, but it is still pretty cute. He also ends every song or word by clapping his hands and saying "yeeeaaaaaa". Every word is such an accomplishment for him he gets applause. I like that.

I took the big kids to the park in the morning. We have a great park that has a really cool train play structure and sand...but BIG sand. The kind that doesn't stick in every conceivable crevice or little afro curls. They had a ball. We met up w/ 5 or 6 other friends of mine and their children. It was one of those glorious San Francisco fall days...the kind that starts out crisp and then turns really warm in the end. The kids played and played and the mamma's talked and talked. Those are the times that being able to stay home with my kids is such a treat. Those are the times when I feel like I have the best of both worlds. We wanted to keep the celebration small. Mostly because we have all been sick--especially this mamma. We did what all great American families do...we went to Chuck E Cheeses for his birthday. We invited our great friends, The Jackson family . The oldest Jackson child was NOT impressed with Chuck E. (or "that rat" as she called him) and Jacob wasn't either. He was shaking w/ fear at the sight of that giant animatronic rat. Poor baby. it was much the same reaction that he had to Chip and Dale and Mickey Mouse in Disneyland. In fact...he sat in the booth like this the whole night. He only left the booth under duress. Doesn't he look THRILLED to be there?


He got many Elmo themed presents, mostly books. He has been carrying them around and sleeping with them ever since. I am learning that less is more when it comes to kids presents. I made a cake (thanks for the frosting recipe Carina) and he blew out the candle...but he wouldn't TOUCH the cake. Not one little bite. Stinker. What kind of kid doesn't like cake? That would be my kid. Both of them actually. Nori sat like a tiny little angel on Suzi's lap and didn't make a peep. Show off. :-) She is growing bigger every day (so are the cheeks and the afro...). She isn't cross-eyed...she just looks that way in this picture.

He finally blew out the candles...but it took some coaxing....

Happy Birthday, little man.