New Years Eve (aka..Second Christmas...)

We made it back to California in time for New Years Eve. All of Mr. Crazy's brothers and sisters had gone to their in-laws as well for real Christmas, so we had round two on New Years Eve. Grandpa Crazy LOVES Christmas and often does most of the shopping. One year we all got luggage (great gift, but it all looked the same, so that caused confusion on the first family trip...), the girls get perfume almost every year, the boys get at least one dress up outfit, the kids get toys that light up or have small pieces (you know, the kind that mom and dad won't buy...). It is really fun. There are also tons of DVD's. When we have a Crazy Christmas, there are always DVD's involved. We never buy DVD b/c we know they are bound to come our way at some point. This year they did Yankee Swap w/ the DVD's. That was pretty funny. If you don't know what that is, not only do you clearly NOT watch The Office, you also haven't been invited to the right parties! Yankee Swap (aka White Elephant) is where each person picks a present and the next person can either get a new one or take one from a previous person. The gift can only be "stolen" three times. :-) We managed to dodge "Ruthless People" and "Die Hard 3" (I didn't say they were all GOOD DVD's.... now you know who buys all the ones from the 5$ bin). Lauren scored "Little Miss Sunshine" and Jacob got "Curious George". We were sad not to hang on to "Pirates of the Caribbean 2" but you can't win them all, and like I said, we dodged not one but TWO copies of Ruthless People. :-) Best White Elephant gift I ever got? A real armadillo that was also a purse....... it doesn't get better than that folks.

Norah and Sweetie (that is what we call Grandma B)

The other fun tradition that I love is the book box. Derek's grandparents always send a box of books to each family. Everything from novels to history, best sellers, biographies and classics. It is basically a free for all and everyone manages to take something that they haven't read home. I love this because it keeps me in reading material for weeks. I am a voracious reader.

Jacob got these glasses from Aunt Ashley. He LOVES them.

For New Years Eve dinner we had King Crab Legs. I am not a seafood fan. I have come a long way and will eat many things, but this one didn't become a favorite for me. Derek's family lived in Portland for awhile and also overseas where they ate seafood all the time. In fact, they all eat everything. They love stuff like Liver and Onions (my husbands favorite dish--no lie, he will order it if he ever see's it in a restaurant), sushi and sashimi, all veggies, etc. They all ate this stuff at a very young age. But, back to the crab legs.... the kids LOVED them. Actually, Lulu could take them or leave them, but is is obsessed with butter so she was happy. She would eat cat food if we told her that she could dip it in butter. Derek and Jacob were in heaven. It was fun to watch everyone "opening" their dinner. I can't imagine what the actual crab looked like if these were just the legs. :-) I've seen The Deadlist Catch and the crabs on that looked MUCH smaller.....

Extra Credit: The anatomy of trying to take a family picture this year......

That isn't too bad considering that this was last year.......

Christmas in Utah..........

Even though this is late, I wanted to put up some fun Christmas photos.... the kids were so funny. This is the tree at Grandma's house. This was BEFORE Santa came. With three aunts, 5 uncles and 3 cousins staying with us at Grandma's this year, we had a full house.

I keep meaning to sit down and write another great post (I have about 12 funny stories saved up) but I have wasted my internet time reading all the other blogs and I absolutely cannot spend another second on this blog until I update the kids sites and write their letters to their families..... I am a bad mommy this month b/c I usually have that done long before now....

So here are a few pictures from Christmas in Utah. Notice that there will be no pictures of my kids in the snow in Utah, even though it snowed every single day. It was way too much work to put them in all that stuff and then take them out of it again.... blah. How do you Utah (and other snow area) mom's do it? Mostly this is from Christmas Day.......

Lauren got a camera... say Cheese

Cubby got a Turbo Tail Tigger

He jumped for hours and hours with Tigger

Jacob also got a cowboy hat which he loves and the Kinsel family tradition, Pringles.

Norah watched from Grandma Jane's lap

Dad got new basketball shorts......

More Pringles...

Big hugs for Jacob

These are my sleepy brothers napping after all the good stuff was over. We kicked them out of their rooms so they had no choice but to sleep on the couch amid all the kids and chaos......

Next up... SECOND CHRISTMAS.......

Happy Birthday

New Derek

AND Old Derek

MLK Day -- Revisited

I wrote this last year for Black History month. In light of today being MLK I am reposting it. I realize that it said everything that I needed to say. One year of transracial parenting later, one more child later, I still feel every word. So, sorry for the rerun but I felt it deserved to see the light of day again.

I always think of this picture when I think of the "Dream" speech. This
is Cubby and his cousin Cheeks McSassy Pants. :-)

I have a dream..

Last week for school, Lauren brought home some interesting homework. In preparation for Black History Month, we were to talk to our children about Martin Luther King, Jr. It wasn't hard to guess where this topic was headed. This is another one of those times that as a parent, we have to teach our children, and try to explain, about the terrible things that people do to one another. LDS kids (and other children of Christian faiths) get a little bit of practice, because, lets face it..the scriptures are FULL of people doing bad things. The Christmas story alone is enough to send my Sunbeams quaking in their loafers and patent leather Mary Jane's.

Five score years ago, a great American, in whose symbolic shadow we stand signed the Emancipation Proclamation. This momentous decree came as a great beacon light of hope to millions of Negro slaves who had been seared in the flames of withering injustice. It came as a joyous daybreak to end the long night of captivity. But one hundred years later, we must face the tragic fact that the Negro is still not free. One hundred years later, the life of the Negro is still sadly crippled by the manacles of segregation and the chains of discrimination. One hundred years later, the Negro lives on a lonely island of poverty in the midst of a vast ocean of material prosperity. One hundred years later, the Negro is still languishing in the corners of American society and finds himself an exile in his own land.

Ouch. It is amazing to me that my mom was a teenager when this speech was given and how right he was. Not drinking from the same fountain? Not going to the same schools? Not eating in the same restaurants? Can you even IMAGINE that? I have felt tiny little licks of prejudice as a mother by people who don't like children or choose to understand the difficulties that come with taking a child on a plane or to a restaurant. But, I have a group of people to back me up and say that I am right and valid. Did the people who were involved in the Civil Rights movement have ANYONE that told them that what society said wasn't true? I am thinking not. For the past several hundreds years, society told these folks in every possible way that they were NOT equal. They were NOT to mix. What kind of bravery and courage did it take to decide that it was time the world realized that was just not true? I get huffy when I have to confront someone about my children, I can't imagine doing what they did. I would like to believe that I would have been one of the ones who would have stood up but I am not sure what I would have done.Black history has taken a new meaning in our house for obvious reasons, but also because Lauren is in school now and is being taught things that it never occurred to me to explain to her. In our family, we had already had a few discussions in this vein.

"Mom, were there black pilgrims?"

"No, the pilgrims were all white".

"Why?"

"Because they came from a place called Europe, and all the people there were white".

"Then how did black people get here?"

"They came on a different kind of boat sweetie".

GULP. Does my 5 year old need to understand the complexities of the slave trade? Right now, no. Is it important that she understand how and why black people came here. Absolutely........when she is 6 or 8 or 12 or whenever we feel like she can have a discussion about it. I have bought a few children's books about slavery and we will crack them out when the time comes. They even come with discussion questions in the back. Bless those authors!

The combination of February (all the lovey dovey stuff in the air) and the fact that I am an insomniac and tend to get pretty cheesy when I am up late has gotten me thinking. As I get older and pass in and out of various stages in my life I am increasingly grateful for those that have come before me. It is finally sinking in that our entire generation is the recipient of many, many privileges that the people who came before us had to work very hard to achieve. I am so grateful to be a woman, in this country and in this decade. I am grateful for the women who stood up so that I could vote and own property. I am grateful for the women who insisted on attending university, law school and medical school when it wasn't an acceptable thing. I am grateful for them and for the people who hired them; they paved the way to give me so many options when deciding what I wanted to do with myself. I am grateful for all the women who worked so hard to ensure that women could be treated equally in the workplace, that we could have things like maternity leave and company daycare. I am also grateful for all the women who stayed home and raised their children and showed me and the rest of the world that educated, capable and intelligent women really DO have a choice and that choice is not always the workplace. I am thankful for the doctors that took the time and the companies that took the money to research cancer and it's treatments. I am grateful for the people who took experimental drugs that allowed us to figure out how this disease works. It is one of these drugs that is saving the life of my mother-in-law right now. I have realized that I am actually living the end result of what most of these early crusaders hoped that their actions would lead to. We all are.

In honor of Black History month, I am also thankful for the people that decided 40 years ago that enough was enough. That they decided to "cash the check" that America wrote them when they emancipated the slaves that told them they were entitled to the same rights and liberties. The direct impact it had in my life was that I was able to grow up and know that it didn't matter if my kids were black, white or green. When it came time to decide how my husband and I would create our family we didn't have to worry if we would be ostracized by our family for adopting our son or worry that our life or his life would be endangered. What a gift.

"I have a dream that one day...little black boys and black girls will be able to join hands with little white boys and white girls and walk together as sisters and brothers. "


When I was telling Lauren about how brown people couldn't sit at the front of the bus or go to school with white kids or eat at the same restaurants she was having a hard time believing it. "just because their skin is different, mom? That is it?" How amazing that the thought of these things are viewed as so outlandish today that even a 5 year old is incredulous. She followed up with "does that mean white people couldn't adopt brown people?" When I told her yes, that was true too, she got really teary eyed. She walked over to Jacob and kissed his head and said "that is just not fair! What would we do without our Jacob?" That is the literal fulfillment of Dr. King's vision. Not only do they walk together as brothers and sisters, but the fight together, tease each other and cause trouble together as brothers and sisters too.

I know that the world is not perfect, that there are still many forms of racism today. I know that even though the message MLK preached was a worthy one, the man himself struggled with his own demons. I know all this, but I still believe that the world is a better place today then it was. I still believe that my children are benefiting from all the people that came before them and saw a need for change and weren't afraid to stand up and do it. I hope that I am able to teach them to be those kinds of people too. I hope that if I see an opportunity to do the same, I will not be afraid to stand up and lend my time and energy to a cause that I believe in. Call me a cockeyed optimist, but I still really do believe that one person can make a difference. I believe that the world in 40 years will be a better place for my grandkids then it is today. I have faith in human beings and their ability to do the right thing. History is full of times when humankind has back stepped a little bit. My own life is full of time when individuals have made me question if humans really are much better then animals. As far as the big picture goes, I am still a believer. So, thank you to all that came before, and thank you to all that are trying right now to make a difference in this world. I may not agree with what you are fighting for, but I think that as long as our world has people in it that care enough to fight for something, we will end up leaving this place better then we found it. Today, that is an encouraging thought.

Great cooks of the world, I NEED you...

Hi everyone,

Right this very minute, my sister in law is having a baby. He should be here within the hour. Yippeeee. The first cousin on my husbands side (thank the heavens.....) and our first one that lives close by.... I am so nervous for them and so excited........... She is adorable and tiny. This is her about a week ago. She is one of those people that doesn't look pregnant until she turns around. Not in her face, arms, bum, nothing. She just glued a watermelon to her abs. Congrats to the new family and we are DYING to see the little man.........

**Update...the little man is here!! We just got the call here at about 11:30. They have kept his name a big secret for the whole pregnancy. All they would say was it was the only name that Erin ever wanted for a child ever since she was small. They named him Derek, after my husband. How sweet is that. I cried when I heard. Derek and his sister are very close and this means a lot to all of us. Big D and little D (we may just end up calling him Skeletor....). Anyway,

WELCOME TO THE WORLD BABY DEREK!!!!!!!!!

Anyway, speaking of family. One of my sisters (I have many and they are all very talented in their own ways....) is writing a cookbook. She has written a book before and has been a book editor for years. She used to edit for the "Home and Hearth" division of a major publishing company. One day she decided that she had an idea for a cookbook and now she is writing it!!! Clever girl. This is the kind of book where they even gave her an advance... none of this "sure, go ahead and write and book and we will wait and see if it sells and THEN give you money" for her. Bravo Jen!

Here is an excerpt from the description she sent me.... and she needs a few more recipe's to round things out and she wants them to be awesome... I know that many of you readers are great and frugal cooks. Please, please, please send a recipe if you have one that fits. If they are used in the book your name will be credited (you could even credit it to your mom or grandma and when the book is printed you have a great Christmas present!!! Do you love how I am selling this, Jen?). Also, recipe's are not copyrighted, so if you have one that you use that you got from a cookbook or website, that is ok. We just change them a little bit (and who doesn't do that anyway?). For example, I made the Chicken Stew with biscuits from the Barefoot Contessa cookbook all the time, but by now it is a totally different recipe. I use different veggies and like my stew a little thicker than she makes it. Now, it isn't the same recipe so it is ok to use. There are a few criteria that you need to follow, so not every recipe will work.....

"The average American family of four spends more than $8000 per year on groceries, usually the second biggest monthly expense after a mortgage or rent. Cutting that by a third or by half can make a huge difference in a family budget. There's no doubt that food is the best place to cut wasteful spending, but until now families looking for a way to trim the fat from their grocery expenditures usually relied on endless nights of spaghetti'the tried and true budget meal. Now there's a way to eat well on a dime.

Gather your hungry family around the dinner table with this amazing book full of budget-conscious recipes. The book features 150 dollar-friendly delicious dinner recipes that cost $6 or less to make. There are also helpful hints on smart grocery shopping (for before you go and while you are there), and the dollar-saving budget 'buddy meal' system. Also included are tips on budget-smart substitutions for your favorite recipes, a list of ways to add a touch of gourmet to any meal with little cost, the top 25 pantry must-haves, and advice on when NOT to be cheap. The budget shopper's greatest secret 'the price list' is also revealed here with step-by-step instructions on how to begin. With this unique cookbook and lifestyle guide to frugal cooking, your family and your wallet will be full and happy!

I need soups, salads, side dishes and main courses. Also if anyone has a great recipe that incorporates leftovers, I have a leftovers section as well. I have plenty of desserts and don't need bread ('cause you can't make things any cheaper than a mix!). Think high yield, high impact, low cost, low ingredient #. I'm also including a substitute list where we'll list an expensive recipe item and show a low cost alternative (shrimp vs. imitation crab meat) so people can begin to convery some of their higher cost recipes to low cost.

Please send any submissions to abwisaconsulting@yahoo.com (my business email) and if I use the recipe in the book, I'll include their full name in the Acknowledgments! I'd be ever so grateful as I know you have a LOT of mom readers. I fully plan on having you be my alpha manuscript reviewer, if you don't mind. I'd love your input."

Now, I enjoy a fancy meal as much as the next guy, but the weeks that I spend too much at Hanna Andersson, Pottery Barn or the gas station I love these krecipes recpies...... The goal is for them to come in under 6$ or less per recipe, but some things you don't have to count.... things that you would already have in the cupboard, ie, oil, chicken broth, basic spices, etc.....

I would really love to see these as well so either send them to the email addy above or post them in the comments..... Lisa, I think your turkey cutlet thingy's would be good (and they can leave off the nuts....) and you can piggy back that recipe w/ Shephards Pie to used the rest of the turkey and potatoes..... Julie, I already sent her your Fiesta Corn one, great stuff. GcQ and Azucar, you MUST have some in your box that would work, you too Compulsive, Lucky RH, CJane, Design Mom, Tracy M, Julie, Julie... anyone? anyone?

P.S. I have to admit that I don't think I have ever made something that cost less than 6$ per recipe... I am a fan of things like goat cheese and meat and that pretty much takes me over the 6$ limit, but I have been eyeing some fun pillows and that money has to come out of some part of the budget. I am dying to try there. (Note: I am pretty sure that when most people cut their grocery budget, it isn't so they can dump it right back into Pottery Barn.....).

The ones that she already has seem great!!! Also, we will be testing these in the next phase so let me know if you would be willing to make some of them and give an honest review....

You guys are the best!! Thanks for your help, and my sister thanks you. :-)

Now for something totally different..........

My friend over at the Blog ConQueso is celebrating her 6 month blog-iversary. I love this blog. Funny stuff, great recipe's, excellent iTunes mixes and a razor sharp wit. Throw in the cutest kid in the world (sadly, it is true...) named Hurricane because he was born when they had to evacuate for a HURRICANE (you know the one) and you have one fun blog.

She is also celebrating National Delurking week by giving away a great little goodie from Darlybird. You have to delurk and leave a comment with your name and/or something weird about you.....

Come on, you know you wanna.........

P.S. I couldn't get the link thing to work and didn't feel like fixing it so you can find Blog ConQueso on my sidebar.....

The end of the end and the beginning of the beginning...

Well, I just tried to write the story and clearly I am not as "over it" as I thought I was. It is coming out slowly, but I am trying to be fair. I start writing and all the hurt comes out. I find myself wanting to list all the terrible things that happened. That isn't the point and it isn't right. I am trying really hard to be fair and honest at the same time. Some of it is not really meant for the blog world. Maybe if I was anonymous, but I am not....dude, I just went off again and had to erase it. Man this is hard!

I am working on a good long post, one that needs to be split into several posts, about adoption stuff that has been kicking around for awhile. I really hope that the other adoptive mammas that read here will comment and add their knowledge and experience. I hope those of you that know NOTHING about adoption will feel free to ask questions. They might be the very questions that someone else is wondering and doesn't dare ask. Obviously race issues will be part of it, so those of you that have experience with that should chime in too. I am here to learn and to teach. The ultimate goal is to raise all three of my kids to be healthy, responsible, happy, confident adults. I can't do it alone. I also think that the more knowledge that is out there the better for all of us. I am also open to answering questions. If you have something you have been dying to know, now is the time. No holds barred. Sort of.

So, the story. The situation with M ended badly. I will get more into that soon, but suffice it to say that it was about as bad as it could be. I was very sad that it ended the way it did. I was sad that was the end of the story that we would have to tell Cubby. We tried to have contact in April but trust was immediately violated again and the door was shut on our side again. Permanently, as far as we were concerned unless some things changed on her end. We felt that we had done everything we could, over and above what even the most patient and forgiving people would do. We felt that to continue the relationship would be hurtful not just to Jacob but to the entire family. We also believe in forgiveness. We believe that people can change (deep down inside I don't know if they really do, but I know that they CAN. It has happened before, right?). We left a tiny crack in the door open for M. We told her that we felt that she hadn't passive in the hurt that she caused. She had been very organized, calculating and aggressive in targeting us (and others) and causing us hurt. We needed to know that she would be careful with us next time and that we could trust her to be careful with our boy. We gave her a list of things that we felt would go a long way towards helping us understand that she was serious about rebuilding a long term, healthy relationship with her son and our family. We needed her to do some things on a regular basis that showed us that she had the follow through. She needed to send us some pictures, update us about her new address (or update our lawyer, the choice is hers) on a regular basis. She needed to acknowledge her part in the breakdown of the relationship before. She needed to apologize about some things (not about choosing to parent, but other things). We sent the letter and then sat back to wait. I had already come to a certain amount of peace with what had happened. I made a website for Cubby that I updated monthly and I know she was checking it (thank goodness for stat counters). I knew that she and her other boys had access to pictures and info about him but that was as far as it was going to go. She understood that when she did the things that we outlined, we would be happy to send her real pictures and have e mails again and at some point work up to visits again. To my shock and surprise (I am ashamed to admit that), she did it. She sent letters, she sent pictures (to our attorney, she isn't allowed to have our new contact info right now) and wrote a wonderful letter to our boy telling him all about his new sister and how his brothers are doing. She was respectful to us in it and it was exactly the kind of letter that I wanted my son to have from his first mamma. It was loving and sweet, but it was also real.

Derek was the one that surprised me. He is the one that decided to try and visit them while we were in Utah for Christmas (they recently moved there from Chicago). I was not really ready to see them. I am the one that had most of the contact w/ M during the second pregnancy. I fielded the calls and did the emotional support. I was the one that felt personally violated in the end. Derek was more mad in a general sense. Even though the logical part of me knows that she has the right to raise Jojo and that we didn't have any kind of "claim" on him, she still spent 8 months telling me that he would be ours. We had planned for him and held him when he was born and bonded with him and I still was mourning him (and the other baby that we lost just a few months earlier). I wasn't ready to see him or her. I e mailed M and asked her if it was ok that we visit and she was very excited. A few weeks before the trip I tried to e mail her again and pin down the date and time. No answer. I tried again and again. No answer. I didn't really know what to do. Was she not answering because it would be too hard to see him and just ignoring it was easier than verbalizing it? Was she just not answering because she couldn't get to a computer (but the stat counter showed me that she had seen the website since then)? Was she once again just not doing what I felt to be "her part" in keeping this going? I felt that, at the very least, she could respond to our inquiry about what time we should meet. I immediately assumed that she was doing what she had done time and time again. We give one inch and she takes that as her cue to stop doing her part. She told us again and again how much she wanted to see Cubby and now she won't even answer the email about the time and place? Aghhh. I didn't want to force her to see him if she wasn't ready, but I felt that she might be waiting for us and I know that she told her 11 year old about the visit. In the last e mail I told her that we had time on a specific day in the afternoon/evening. I didn't feel that we could just not show up because there was a chance that was expecting us, she just didn't bother to let us know she got the message. Believe me, I was very tempted to just walk away and make her understand that she needed to actively participate in this process, starting with basic common courtesy. This was her last freebie (and now she knows it). Derek and I drove to their town and I stayed at Oh Judy and The Jolly Porter' s house while Derek headed off into a blizzard to find the M family.

He got to the address that she gave us in her letter and it was the wrong one. The people that lived there did know the family, and they knew them from church! That was a good sign. M has a hard time maintaining relationships so the fact that these people knew of her was a good sign. Derek found the right address and knocked on the door. It was clear that they didn't know he was coming. He heard little voices behind the door "Cubby is here!! He is here!!" The door flew open and there they all were. This is the best part. They didn't know we were coming but the house was clean, the kids were just out of the bath and they were in their jammies, ready for bed at bedtime (in the past when we knew them, bedtime was whenever they fell over and the living conditions left much to be desired). The house was calm and peaceful. The TV wasn't on full volume. They are able to rent a 5 bedroom house in a smallish town where housing his more affordable. This is their third place in the 9 months they have lived in Utah, but I am hoping this one might stick. R was there (he is her husband, but not the father of any of the kids but the last one) and he was friendly. M was in tears. They were so happy to see him. Derek took pictures like crazy. You can see from the earlier pictures that Cubby wasn't too sure about all of them. M won him over by showing him her phone. Buttons and gadgets are the way to that boy's heart for sure. Soon he was wrestling and cuddling with all of them.

They were really excited to see him and called some of their friends that live in their town saying "Cubby is here". I understand that these are people from church who have helped them get settled and find jobs. They came over and had a good visit with Derek. The last time that we saw the family, the younger boys were really wild and hard to control (wow, that sounds familiar) but this time they seemed to be just fine. Calm, controlled and sweet. Now that Jacob is the same age that they were at the time, I have a feeling that their behavior was more of an age thing than a parenting thing. The new baby is adorable and M was just so happy. She had a good talk w/ Derek and said some thing that were really nice to hear. Mostly, she and boys just loved on Cubby and played with the toys we brought the boys. He stayed about an hour (it was pretty late) and left with promise of another visit this year.

Here are a few things I want to point out. Some have criticized me for putting the pictures up on the blog. It was pointed out that this is Cubby's story to tell and the pictures of his family are not for public consumption. It is ok if you feel that way and I appreciate the concern. My answer to that is that I put the first part of this story out on the blog (I am not sure I would have done that again) and I wanted to show the follow up. As for the pictures, I put my kid's pictures up all the time and don't have issues with that. I am also not "outing" anyone. In M's home, there are lots of pictures of us and the kids on the wall. In fact, she has met people in her home who have recognized us or Cubby from the pictures and made the connection. She knows many of our friends from California who have moved to the neighborhood where she now lives. She is very open about the fact that she placed her son with us. It is not a secret to anyone. It is also not a secret that Jacob is adopted. We don't have the kind of situation where he can decide who he tells. I put some thought into this and felt that this was ok. Nori's situation would be totally different. I would never do that about her family because I know how they feel about it.

I feel like we have not been a very good advertisement for open adoption. Out of loyalty to us, some of our friends and family are still on the fence about whether this is a good idea or not. Please know that I am horrified that some people will only know about adoption from our story and what we have to tell them hasn't always been good. Please know that every person is different and that most people do not have the experience that we had. You haven't heard the whole story and believe me when I say that I have never heard anyone that has dealt with anything close to what eventually played out in our story. Please know that everything we did that resulted in the hurt and loss and grief we felt was our choice and we did it for our son and that is all. Please know that I would do it all again (but to be totally honest, I would have walked away sooner). Please also know that the reason I choose to share "the rest of the story" is so that the way that it was left isn't the end of the story. That was not the ending I wanted for my son and it isn't the ending I want to leave the rest of you with. I chose to share the first part (for right or for wrong) so I wanted to be fair and show the follow up. I want to show that open adoption takes commitment and managed expectations and contestant re-evaluation.

I believe that his family has a lot to offer him in terms of how to grow up as a black man today. I can't give him that. I believe that they have a lot to offer him because they are the people that look like him, they share physical and personality traits. He fits with them in a way that he will never fit with us. I believe that they have a lot to offer him because they love him and he is part of them. I believe that it is important for M's other kids to have a relationship with their brother, even if I chose never to be in contact with M again. That doesn't take anything away from our family. I have heard the comment from more than one of you that it bothers you to hear me call M his mom, because I am his mom and it seems like it takes away my role in his life. I don't feel that way at all. M IS his mom, so am I. I am his every day mom and she is his special mom. Nothing will change that. It is up to him to decide what role we each play in his life. I am not threatened by her at all. I am angry with her, I am wary of her and I think she has a long way to go before I will sit back and feel safe with all of this, but I am not threatened by her being his mom. We should all be so lucky to have two moms that love us. I just have to make sure that her involvement in his life is something that will help him be a better man. Having no first mom in his life is better (in my opinion) than having one that does things that does hurtful to him or us, even if she doesn't mean to.

That is the story.

I don't pretend to think that this is happily every after. I will be bold enough to think that this could be the start of a really good thing. I will be on my guard and I will continue to expect M to do her part. The letters need to continue (even if she just wants to send them to the attorney and not us) and there needs to be common courtesy between all of us. Next time, she will need to reply to us and be pro-active about arranging visits. We will not just "drop in" on her again. I also have changed what I expect from her. My expectations are very, very low so that this time I won't be disappointed. It was a good thing in the long run. In many ways it re-humanized her again. She isn't the heartless monster that I thought of her as in my mind for the last few months. She is just a woman who made mistakes, who loves her son and who (for now) is doing the best that she can make things better. That is all we can ask.

Next subject--Mamma's. Birthmothers, adoptive mothers, all mothers.....

Do you know who these people are?

Cubby and Nunu

Snackwell, Cubby and BooBoo

Cubby, M and JoJo

I love this picture. Can you see the resemblance?

Story later..... but for now take just a minute and think about these pictures. See how far we have come in 18 months? I know that this is FAR from the ending of this story, but this puts us well on the road to the ending I wanted.... I can't look at the last picture w/out crying a little bit.

How great is that?

I am on to something...

I got a LOT of feedback on that last post. Wow. I have learned that many little boys are stinkers (shocker) and that they grow out of it. Preschool will be a good thing here and I am on the mend. It is amazing what a little sleep can do.

Lest you think that it is all doom and gloom around here...tonight (after not eating his dinner but bouncing it off the wall and on to the floor instead--while I was on the phone.....blast the phone....) I had some sweet minutes with the boy. We read books and sang songs and he snuggled and was very tender and sweet with me (not his usual M.O.). I need to carve those times out more often, especially for this kid that is in trouble so much of the time.

All the cycles of life, huh?

Thanks for all the great stories and the support. I really appreciate it. Just being able to laugh at the funny things that YOUR kids did helped (and I know that it wasn't funny at the time, like the honey and saltines in the carpet....). Go to Ana's blog (Watch out for Mamma) if you want to read a bit more about it. She answered some really good questions for me. Also, a big thanks for not making the leap (not to me anyway) of the "drug baby" excuse. I got that verbally today, but I am glad that none of my blog friends/face friends automatically go to that place. All of your kids (some of the them white and not adopted) did the same things. :-) You are the best...

Wow...

Things are still yukky here........ but Jacob keeps me hopping. Today he found a permanent blue pen (WHERE is he getting these?) and colored the following:

--the walls, all of them
--the carpet, lots of it
--the couch, sadly, it is in such bad shape now I don't even care
--the brand new PBK's train/doll house table that Santa brought. We had it for exactly two days before he destroyed it. Sweet.
--Lauren's new wooden dollhouse
--my old purse (Lisa, you know the one, the tan Kate Spade tote...yes, I am a purse lady and I like expensive ones.......)
-- my brand new purse that I got from my inlaws for Christmas YESTERDAY (also Kate Spade and leather.....)
--a pretzel (really...and I thought that it was pretty funny that he took the time to color a pretzel)
--the two new stuffed animal/bean bags that Santa brought (a pink pig and a pink lamb..you have seem them in Pottery Barn Kids before.....). Now they look like they have guest starred on Miami Ink or served some serious time in the clink.


Since I have been dwelling a lot lately on what a stinker (the worst word I dare use since I don't want a social worker knocking on my door) my son is, you might wonder what I was doing leaving him alone for so long when I KNOW he gets into trouble. Where was I for the grand total of 5 minutes? Cleaning up throw up. His. Off myself and the floor. At first I thought he was sick, but now I think it might just have been a diversion to get me out of the room. Lately I have been sticking to him like poop on a duck. I have also been looking for a daycare or preschool to send him to. At first I wanted something that was going to keep him mentally stimulated and had predominantly black students and teachers. At this point, I just want what is reasonably safe, open and willing to take him.

He really isn't a bad kid. He is just curious and busy. He is really bright and very determined. He just has to see something ONCE and he wants to do it. He tried to tie his shoe after seeing me do it once. He now needs a knife so he can cut his food and he can actually manipulate the knife and fork. If I hadn't been too lazy to teach him sign language, he would be awesome. His eye/hand coordination is pretty amazing. He can put the straw in the juice box by himself (and for those of you who don't do this often, you should know that it has the SMALLEST opening....) and can take apart ANYTHING that you put in front of him (today it was a flashlight, several pens, the "shot" from his doctor kit, two paint brushes and several pieces of wooden doll furniture...). He really is charming and funny and sweet. He is just also incredibly destructive and strong and bored. He makes me cry. Daily. I want to like him more than I do right now. Don't take this the wrong way, I love him very much (I might even love him the best...but don't tell the other two!!) but I don't like him so much these days. I need to spend less time cleaning up destroyed furniture and purses and messes and damage and more time doing things like bathing, not crying or interacting with other two kids. Someday I might even see my husband too (but don't hold your breath).

My saving grace is that others of you have had kids like this before (maybe it is boys?) and they are ok now. My friend Lisa tells great stories of her son Owen. A mutual friend of ours wrote an article about him and described him like this "Owen has bee's in his head, and the bee's are crazy". Well said, Eric D, well said. I have to say that if Owen's bee's were crazy, Jacob's are psychotic, ADD juvvie bee's on a Red Bull high.

I think he is listening to the bee's.

So to end this post I will wrap up with a few lessons and a treat. Lesson number one--don't let Santa go anywhere near nice stores for the next 10 years. Lesson number two -- daycare is a good thing. I know I might get some comments about this (but keep in mind that my mom owned and ran a daycare for years, and she was great at it.... so I am already pretty pro-daycare) but I think that while it might not be for everyone, it is a great solution for kids with crazy bee's in their heads. Lesson three -- Throw up is gross. Lesson four-- Now you know why I do all the Africa work. Visiting orphanages and AIDS patients is a great way to escape the house (both mentally and physically) and currently it is emotionally less distressing and much more relaxing than mothering. Go figure.

Now the gift. Check this out and don't say I never gave you anything......
http://dlisted.com/2006/11/01/truly-awful-music-a-lohan-holiday/

Be back soon...

Hi everyone,

We made it back from Utah a few days ago, safe but not particularly sound. We have all been sick, sick, sick. Ear infections, pink eye, stomach flu, colds, bronchitis, strep, etc. We have it all. All of us.

Blah.

I will write soon, but I hope everyone had a wonderful New Years Eve and that we took the sick karma for the rest of you!

Happy Holidays!!

I hope everyone has a great Christmas Eve/ Christmas / Kwanzaa / Hanukkah / Festivus / Solstice (what did I miss?)

For those out there that do Santa...does he wrap or not? Do you do the PJ's? Does everyone take turns unwrapping or do you just go for it? Do you have a traditional Christmas Eve dinner? Traditions? We are in Utah having Christmas with my parents this year. It was originally because they were going to be alone, but we started a trend because now we have EVERYONE but one family here for Christmas. We are having to coordinate traditions. Luckily, Lulu is the only one big enough to really remember so we get to set the tone this year. My poor inlaws (who normally have a house FULL at Christmas) are all alone. Everyone is at their inlaws this year. So, my mother in law and father in law are going to go out for Chinese and re-create the scene from A Christmas Story. When we all get home around New Years we are having "Second Christmas" at their house. Just what my kids need. A Second Christmas.

At Derek's house Christmas Eve is very formal. For dinner we dress up and have something like rack of lamb or goose. Then we open PJ's and everyone goes home. In the morning, we get the kids up to open gifts at our house and then we head over to the "big" house and do it again. We usually have eggs benedict for breakfast and the unwrapping goes on so long that we often take a break in the middle for breakfast. Lauren thinks that is terrible. The waiting, the fancy food. The adults think it is nice, but there is nothing that will make a kid turn into a crabby patty faster than a dress and roasted goose.

My parents do things very informally. It is all about the kids at this house. We have fondue for dinner and other munchie things (sweet and sour meatballs, cheese platter, brownies, artichoke dip, etc). They also make a big ham and turkey for everyone to eat during both days. We usually play a game of some sort on Christmas Eve. Santa leaves one big thing unwrapped and everything else goes under the tree. We take turns opening, but I think that this year that might change. There will be 17 people here this year, mostly children and no one wants to deal with that. During the day we nap, eat and just hang out. Nothing too fancy, very relaxing.

It is nice to have both a formal and an informal Christmas. Now, all I am waiting for is to be able to have our OWN Christmas. I know it seems selfish, but one of these years we are going to have it at our own house. No schlepping, no traveling...just home in my own bed, my own kitchen and letting the kids run crazy. No keeping them from breaking things at Grandma B's. No keeping them from fighting with the cousins at Grandma K's. Someday. For now, we will continue to break things and fight with cousins and be glad that we have both options.

Happy Holidays!!!

Lauren-ism...

"Mom, KidzBop 11 is out, we should get that"

"Lauren, you have Kidzbop 2 and you never listen to it"

"Thats true. The thing is that I don't really have much time to do it. I prefer to focus on TV instead".

!!!!!!!!!

Have mercy........

No one told me that having a two year old boy would be so hard or that they could be SO destructive. If he makes it to age three, we will all be lucky. I spend half my waking time trying to KEEP HIM ALIVE. He is like (as my friend Suzi puts it) a truffle pig, but for danger. He can enter a room and immediately find the most dangerous thing. I spend the rest of the time trying trying to keep my cool. I count to 10 a lot these days, 20 actually. I leave the room to take minute to calm down a lot. Sadly, when I leave the room is when the REALLY good stuff happens.

Remember when I told the story about how Lauren was so sad that Jacob had big eyelashes and I said he would need them one day to get him out of trouble? That day has come......and gone.

Which story do you want first?

The one where we flew out to Utah on the tiny plane (two seats on each aisle) and there were only extra oxygen masks on one side, meaning that Derek had to hold the baby while sitting next to Jacob AND we forgot the carseat? Highlights include Jacob coloring on the wall of the plane with crayon, ME being confronted about it by two angry stewardesses (and I am a few aisles away...), Jacob throwing the mother of all tantrums on descent and me finding out that at the tender age of two he is now stronger than I am and Derek going berserker on the stewardess ....... That is just the highlights, there is more...

Or, the one where I left the room for 5 minutes and Jacob managed to find a tube of Desitin and cover himself, two lazy boys chairs, my mom's NEW couch, the Christmas tree, the DVD player AND the baby in it. And by the way, it DOESN'T come out. Ever.

I know, I can tell the one about where I put him down for a nap at Oh Judy's and he got out of the crib, found some Christmas presents, unwrapped and OPENED them and played happily until I found him...

Why did I think that coming out here for 10 days was a good idea? How can I keep him from destroying this house? It has been suggested that I tether him to something heavy. That might work, but he is freakishly strong and we might just end up giving him a giant, heavy weapon instead of an anchor. Lately he is really hard at home and I have really been struggling with him. The thing is that he isn't trying to be bad, he is just curious. At home we have a room that is totally empty and he can't really destroy anything in there and can't get hurt. That is how I make it through the day. I have a crib tent for him in his bed because I need to have one place for him where I know he is safe. His room is on the second floor and there are sliding doors that go out to a balcony. He knows how to unlock the doors. Last week he was so fed up with the tent, he chewed a hole in it and stuck his hand through the hole and unzipped it. So, now we tie up the hold and pin the zipper down. It is just a matter of time before he figures that one out too. He is very mechanical. He can take a part pens (all the way down to the springs) and flashlights (did you know a flashlight could be broken down into about 25 pieces?) and radios. He figured out how to take the lid off the baby Tylenol at about 18 months. He took the childproof cap off the children's vitamins last week (that whole push and twist thing is nothing for him......).

What am I supposed to do with this child that is both stronger and smarter that I am? What keeps me going is that Oh Judy's son was very similar (her stories are WAY better than mine, so far...) and he is now the happiest and easiest child. I just have to hang in there for a few more years..........

Mercy.

I'm loving this....

I don't know why, but these colors are what make me happy. I love the blue and orange combo. I had great plans to paint the kitchen this color of blue. We have white cabinets and crown molding so it would still be very light and airy. Then, I wanted to paint the kids table orange with matching chairs a light color of orange. The color of the berries isn't very good in this picture, but they are a really great October-y orange.

THAT would be a happy kitchen.

Instead, we are getting a new kitchen (new as in "rip everything out and put it all back in again shiny and new and exactly how the NEXT person that buy's this condo would want it to be"). It will some sort of cookie cutter neutral wood w/ dark counters and stainless appliances. No blue or orange in my future. We are hoping to move back to the next town over in the near future because it is a little bit more culturally diverse. In our area, doing stuff like this to a house can bring HUGE returns in the resale. Since all houses cost one million billion dollars (well, more like just a million) every little bit counts. One the one hand, it totally stinks that the down payment on our house will be the same as the entire mortgage for my parents house. On the other hand, we get to live HERE. It is awesome here and we love it. Besides, I don't mind condo living. Sure we share a few walls but we also have a pool and a gardener and someone else has to deal with things like garbage bills and burnt out light bulbs.

The sad part is that we will only live with the cool new kitchen for a little while before we sell and move to a place that will NOT be remodeled (I have a feeling we will not be in that kind of mortgage range...) and we start over at "old and needs work". That is ok. A yard would be great for my kiddos'. I met with the designer yesterday and it is going to be really cool. We will get to live with the cool kitchen for just a little while before we sell our souls and move to a new place that we can't afford to remodel. We might even (gasp) be able to move into a house. An actual house with a yard (but don't get too excited....the houses here are the size of a condo..you just don't share walls). So, until then, I will cook in my cool new kitchen and store up that grate new kitchen feeling. I will also do my best to keep my children from destroying the kitchen before we can manage to move away from here......

That is it for me this rainy Wednesday. I am frantically doing last minute projects so I can pack up and leave town for two weeks (why did I think that was a good idea?). Christmas cards are on their way...... sort of........ I will post from the road. :-)

Kiddo's....

Hey all,

My kids are the "gratuitous kid picture" of the week over at Anti-Racist Parent. Check them out. You have seen the picture before, but still.

I love the Anti Racist Parent website. The tagline is "for parents committed to raising their children with an anti racist outlook". This isn't a site that is applicable only to transracial families or people of other ethnicities. It is for everyone. They track racial issues that are in the news, but they ask a series of questions every week that challenge you to examine the views that we all have of race. I have appreciated their approach on how to live our lives in such a way that we recognize that racism exists (so, we aren't trying to pretend it isn't out there) but that we can challenge others to think differently.

I have 4 or 5 posts that are mostly written, but haven't edited or added the links. It has been mayhem in my house. Jacob has turned positively demonic (AKA "a teething two year old") and it is all I can do to keep it together until bedtime.... sorry about the lack of posts...........

Have a good weekend.

Lauren can always make her smile...

...even if she does look at her like she has three heads the rest of the time.


Lu took this one... not bad, eh?

Happy Monday....

Just another Friday night.......