Sunday, October 28, 2007

Today is the day....

I might not make it to the evening.

Last night D and I had a long talk about what we thought the results would be. We both kind of feel like it is a done deal and we would be very surprised if we get an "all is well" report. I am not sure if this is self preservation, preparation or what. I didn't think I would stay pregnant either. When I went into the Dr. office and saw that heart beat, I was really shocked. REALLY shocked. So, I am not the best judge of character. We are both just really worried and scared about what the rest of our path will be.

I feel like that after tonight, after this phone call, our life takes a different tract. Really, it already is what it is and just knowing is incidental, but from here on out the paths lead to much different places. Also, I know that it will be OK. I know that like all parents, we will love all of our children no matter what and do what we need to do to help them be the best that they can be. We know that, but this is where we are right now. No trolls please. It is a process.

After all that the last 6 months have served up for us, part of me just wants to spend every waking moment on my knees BEGGING the Lord not to do this. I just keep thinking to myself "please don't make me have to do this trial, PLEASE don't make this part of my "test" and part of the lesson that I need to learn". I know it doesn't really work like that. Special needs kids aren't a mistake or a punishment, clearly. BUT, I desperately don't want this to be something that I have to think about right now. It feels like too much. The other part of me feels that I know how much this baby wanted to be born. I wouldn't trade or change any of my kids for anything and so I have to trust a little bit. But I don't want to. I want it to all be OK the way that I want it to be.

As I have slogged through the last months, I also remember thinking that I didn't want things to be the way they were. I didn't want to think about the things that I was thinking or have to do the work required to get me through it. That being said, where I am right now is a much better place to be, for all aspects of my family. For me personally, I feel like I have found my old self again and have made some major changes that will make a vast improvement on my life and my children's lives for YEARS to come. I feel blessed with where I am now. I am not a fan of the method of getting here though. Do I wish that I could have avoided the whole thing? Yes, of course. Could I have gotten to the same place without it? You betcha. This is the life I was given so that isn't really an option.

So, in that vein, I guess I am saying that while I know that if this child has DS, it will be OK. We will be fine and look back and think about what a blessing it is. But, I would rather not have to do that right now. I would rather just get a pass on this one and keep working on the other stuff. Selfish, selfish, selfish. But that is where I am.

Meanwhile, tick tock. I have the phone in my pocket and I just have to make to the evening... tick tock, tick tock....

14 comments:

Anonymous said...

Thinking about you all lots today.

Danielle

Jill said...

I am holding hope for you. But know you will be able to handle the outcome no matter what it is. You will get through on prayer....yours and those around you.

Sending you my best

away2me said...

So much to handle in such a short amount of time. I'm sure you'll handle whatever circumstance you are given beautifully.

Anne said...

Oh, bek, you're such a trooper -- this cannot be easy. Sending huge virtual hugs your way -- and hoping for the very best.

Julie P said...

Lots of love coming your way.

Syd said...

Aww, Sweet Bek. You are in my thoughts and prayers. I totally understand what you are saying. Huge Cyber Hugs coming your way!!

Leisha said...

I admire your ability to be so in touch and honest about your emotions at such an emotionally charged time. Your human-ness touches me. I've been in that position so many times, where you have to let go of the familiar shore you are on and start rowing into unchartered waters (whether you want to or not!) It's really hard. I hope for the best for you, whatever that may be!

angie said...

I am thinking about you bek and praying for you.

Amber said...

Oh, sweeeeetie. My heart goes out to you with this post. Many prayers are sent your way on this day....

Queen Scarlett said...

More love and hugs from this side of blogdom.

AzĂșcar said...

RB, you're my hero.

Lindsey said...

I'm thinking of you, too.

Monica B. said...

I know that sometimes when the world seems to be coming down all around you the last thing you want to hear is it will all be ok. The one thing I learned when I had to go through something similar is, you never know how strong you are until you have no choice. I think you have proved that already.

praying for good results.

sue-donym said...

You are an amazing strong woman. I really admire how you not only get through tbings, but find the good in them.

Prayers and hugs.