I might not make it to the evening.
Last night D and I had a long talk about what we thought the results would be. We both kind of feel like it is a done deal and we would be very surprised if we get an "all is well" report. I am not sure if this is self preservation, preparation or what. I didn't think I would stay pregnant either. When I went into the Dr. office and saw that heart beat, I was really shocked. REALLY shocked. So, I am not the best judge of character. We are both just really worried and scared about what the rest of our path will be.
I feel like that after tonight, after this phone call, our life takes a different tract. Really, it already is what it is and just knowing is incidental, but from here on out the paths lead to much different places. Also, I know that it will be OK. I know that like all parents, we will love all of our children no matter what and do what we need to do to help them be the best that they can be. We know that, but this is where we are right now. No trolls please. It is a process.
After all that the last 6 months have served up for us, part of me just wants to spend every waking moment on my knees BEGGING the Lord not to do this. I just keep thinking to myself "please don't make me have to do this trial, PLEASE don't make this part of my "test" and part of the lesson that I need to learn". I know it doesn't really work like that. Special needs kids aren't a mistake or a punishment, clearly. BUT, I desperately don't want this to be something that I have to think about right now. It feels like too much. The other part of me feels that I know how much this baby wanted to be born. I wouldn't trade or change any of my kids for anything and so I have to trust a little bit. But I don't want to. I want it to all be OK the way that I want it to be.
As I have slogged through the last months, I also remember thinking that I didn't want things to be the way they were. I didn't want to think about the things that I was thinking or have to do the work required to get me through it. That being said, where I am right now is a much better place to be, for all aspects of my family. For me personally, I feel like I have found my old self again and have made some major changes that will make a vast improvement on my life and my children's lives for YEARS to come. I feel blessed with where I am now. I am not a fan of the method of getting here though. Do I wish that I could have avoided the whole thing? Yes, of course. Could I have gotten to the same place without it? You betcha. This is the life I was given so that isn't really an option.
So, in that vein, I guess I am saying that while I know that if this child has DS, it will be OK. We will be fine and look back and think about what a blessing it is. But, I would rather not have to do that right now. I would rather just get a pass on this one and keep working on the other stuff. Selfish, selfish, selfish. But that is where I am.
Meanwhile, tick tock. I have the phone in my pocket and I just have to make to the evening... tick tock, tick tock....