And, she sleeps so well up there that it really seems to be working for everyone. Sorry for this shot of her giving her best Micky Rooney face. I have to get my camera out and capture more of her "cutest baby on earth" faces.
OK, so I didn't fool you with that last post. You guys knew it was me. See, I have NO idea how I come across. I am sure the discussion will continue over there. For the record, while I am always VERY embarrassed and unsure when meeting people IRL (especially bloggers) I have always been impressed with those that I have met. I don't want anyone to worry that I am talking about them..... usually I am thinking of myself when I compare the blogger person to the real person.
For example. In my last entry I was writing about the strange experience that I had w/ the doctor. I was just putting it out there, but I got back very sweet messages about how I am a good mom and how my kids are lucky to have me. That stuff is hard for me to hear. Not because I don't think that I am a good mom (I think I do a pretty good job) but because I know the rest of it. You guys don't know that I have to FORCE myself to listen to my 8 year old talk about the Simpsons and Hanna Montanna, when I really want to scratch my eyeballs out. Sometimes I don't listen, I just tell her I can't talk right now, and I do this even though I know that she doesn't get much time with me and before too long she won't WANT to talk to me.
You guys don't know that when Grace was born, I couldn't look at her for more than 15 minutes. I wouldn't even open my eyes, because that is when it would be real and I was afraid that I wouldn't have any feeling for the baby that I had been carrying and didn't really feel that connected to. And when I DID look at her, I wished that my eyes were still closed.
You don't know how every time I have to take Ace for an appointment I get really moody and weepy the day before. I am not totally over the whole "I just want her to be normal" thing and it still hurts me to think about this little girl being different. On the one hand, she is so sweet I wouldn't change her, but really, if someone could wave a magic wand, I would. My husband wouldn't, but I would in a second. I want her to be normal. I don't want her to be "special".
I am not in denial about it and I know that Ace is perfect just how she is, but that doesn't mean I don't remember curling up on my bed on Halloween day last year after getting off the phone with the geneticist. I just remember shouting "NO" over and over and over and curling up in a ball and sobbing. Crying. Dramatic, no? I even scared my other kids. Grandma and Grandpa had to come over and take them trick or treating. Great mom, huh? I traumatized them and then bagged on the single most looked forward to event in our house. If I was a GREAT mom, I would have just sucked it up and gone.
You don't know that many, many times I just don't WANT to help the kids do the things that they need to...practice walking, read book after book and practice our "goals" for the week. To discipline Cubby and be consistent--frankly, I don't really CARE if he eats Popsicles all day. I really don't. I would like to think that we all have a little bit of this in us, but maybe I am wrong. At the very least, I don't spend my time dwelling on that stuff.
So, I guess because I know the whole story, I have a hard time hearing about how others view me as a mother. Don't get me wrong, I love the compliments and appreciate hearing them. We all do. Every mother should be told a million times a week how good they are doing. It is good for me to get some of this story out. For a long time there was stuff that I just couldn't revisit because it was still too new and too painful. There are lots of things about the last few years that I still have a hard time thinking about, let alone writing about. I feel it is important to put some of this stuff "out there" because I have learned so much from others who kept blogs about their children with Down Syndrome, their journey to adoption and how they function as a TR family, their relationships and trials with their kids families in open adoptions, etc. I am so thankful that those stories were there for me to read. So I will add mine to the mix.
There was also something that Dalene wrote in the comments about how she wishes she could write some things but can't because it wouldn't be fair to the parties involved so sometimes she just has to processes it alone, and it is lonely. Yeah, I feel that way too (oh the STORIES we all could tell, eh?). Like Citymamma, I also have a blog that doesn't get published (and HELLO? Ethiopia adoption is my specialty...call me, B-Happy is another good resource..). My kids each have a site that their families have access to.
So you see, I am just a mom. I am doing the best I can and even with my help that I have, it isn't enough. It never feels like it is enough for any of them. At least they are getting more than they would if it was JUST me. Who knows?
For now, I am going to go feed the squawking bird that is my baby (she really is SO cute...so patient and happy). She is starting to smile now, but not at me or her dad. She smiles at my sisters, the bishop's wife, the nurse who just gave her shots, the checker at Target. Not us. We get nothing. This girl doesn't know how to work the system yet, does she? I don't feel like I have enough time to just HOLD her and enjoy her. I know that I need to cherish the times like now when I can hold her on my chest and smell her sweet baby breath and rub her little bald head (it's been a long time since I had a baby with a bald head). I need to ENJOY her more. And the other ones. My goal today (since we got the babysitter sick and are home for another day--all appointments cancelled) is to try and enjoy my kids. Respond with love and not impatience or frustration. Be present. These are things that I really need to work on.
Talk to you soon