Monday, March 26, 2007

Observations from a weekend...

Norah's newest trick........now she just needs
to learn to eat from a spoon.



Greetings Internet,

How was your weekend?

We had three whiny, snot factories in our house this weekend, shocking I know, that my kids would be sick (and by whiny snot factories I mean, two kids are teething and one has either a cold or allergies or both...). But, I think that everyone is well enough to GO TO SCHOOL today, except the babies who don't go to school, but they might be well enough to sit in front of the TV--so same thing.

We learned a few things this weekend. First, if the baby takes a nap and sleeps on BOTH sides of her hair, she wakes up looking much like Arsenio Hall in the early 90's. There is nothing more groovy than a high top afro with a mullet. It is slightly LESS groovy to take the baby to church with such a hairstyle because every black woman on earth will show up and tell you to DO THAT BABY'S HAIR. Previously this has only happened at Walmart (I only go there if I absolutely have to because I hate it so much). I do what I always do in these situations, I invite them to my house to help me get my kids ready in the morning. Just getting them out the door and having shoes on everyone is a huge accomplishment in my book. With church we take a few steps further and they actually need to be dressed up and fed. If anyone wants to come to my house and do hair then they are welcome. I might even offer them a bowl of cereal, but maybe not. They might only be offered a Diet Coke. I have no shame, I will take any and all help getting hair done in the morning. As well as the dishes and laundry. So far none of my critics have felt the need to do this. Bummer. If they are not willing to HELP me then they can zip it, and I invite them to do so. I learned that I need to get better at doing babygirl's hair and finding the time to do it before we go to church or Walmart.

Another thing that I learned is that both of my children like show tunes, but if given the chance they will brawl to the death over whether to play Josh Grobin (Lu) or Aerosmith (Jacob). Huh.

I learned that the harder I try to have a fun afternoon with my kids where I am, you know, actually interacting with them, the more things will fall apart. Yesterday we made a cake. I could tell you that it was fun and we all bonded, but I usually save my lies for my weight watchers and other children's behaviour while I am babysitting (it is always "great, they were great!"). The truth is that we ended up making a mess, the kids fought the whole time over who got to do what, a glass was shattered on the floor and we managed to spill coco everywhere. By the time the cake got into the oven I had taken a vow to never, ever look at a chocolate cake again. I am sure I will break that vow, but not without picturing coco covered shards of glass sticking out of the cake and myself eating it with a symphony of screeching children in the background.

I learned that I still love Sting. I was watching a rerun of "Regis and Kelly" and saw him doing an interview. He was talking about how he is learning to play the lute. The LUTE? You and I both know that if the average teenager decided he wanted to play the lute he would be mocked mercilessly. But somehow on Sting it is SEXY! What is it about that skinny, balding crackpot that makes me so giddy? Who cares, I'll take it. I remember listening to Sting CD's in college with my best friend/roommate. This same roommate has a little brother who grew up to be a rock star. One time when rock star brother was about to have a show, Sting showed up backstage to tell the band how much he loves their music. How is that possible? I am going to watch and see if Jimmy V starts whipping out the lute during his shows. You heard it here first people.

I learned that potty training my son is going to be a much different beast than my daughter.. She was happy with a few cheers and the promise of a sticker. Jacob wants the hard stuff. Stocks, bonds, maybe some futures. He is not going to do ANYTHING in that potty without some major incentive. Not even peeing on Cheerios did it, and this kid loves to pee on everything! Advice? I am looking forward to eliminating one set of diapers from the daily routine. When I eliminate the cost of the diapers, I can start getting pedicures again. Sadly, I am not the one who needs incentive. I think that Diet Coke will do the trick.

I learned where my cleaning lady has been stashing all the sippy cup lids. Seriously, every time she would come all the sippy cup lids would disappear. I would look EVERYWHERE, but apparently not everywhere, because there was one tiny cupboard, behind the trash can, that seemed like the logical place to put them. Cubby found them. Truffle pig. I could have just asked her where they are but there are two things wrong with that. I am kind of afraid of her (she has taken on the role of my sassy Latin mother.... she likes to tell me what to do) and we don't actually share a common language. I bet you didn't know that someone could tell you what to do in a different language. They can and it is scary. Now, I just try not to be home when she comes. Problem solved, except for the sippy cups.

I also learned that the time has come again for behavior boot camp. It must be the spring that brings on my most inventive parenting techniques. This one I actually got from my friend Suzi.... You know how sometimes as a parent you slack off on discipline and pretty soon the kids are working it? It starts with them taking longer to obey. This quickly turns into backchat. Before you know it you come down for breakfast and you find the kids passed out on the couch after a long night of videos with apple juice hangovers battling the sugar highs. As you watch the glow of the television reflect off the homemade Sponge Bob tats that have been clumsily applied to their cheeks you realize that the time has come. No? This is just my kids? Right. So, coming up will be a post on behavior boot camp, which is a distant cousin to The Last Resort .

What did you learn this weekend?

24 comments:

Suzie Petunia said...

Behavior Boot Camp! I need details and FAST! It is Spring Break here: perfect time to remind the kids who's boss. :)

I started craving chocolate cake until I read that super descriptive sentence about shards of glass in the cake... Cooking with my kids never works for me either. I'm too much of a control freak in the kitchen.

As for potty training... I am SO not the person to give advice!! They refuse, they have accidents, the tinkle on the carpet on purposd just to make you mad... and then... one magical day the kid wakes up and decides he is potty trained. End of story. Could I write my own potty training book about that theory?

Barb said...

I tell the babysitting lie all the time - I assume people tell me the same lie.

So are you hitting a Police reunion concert, then?

Bek said...

Barb, I am going to try...but it might be out of my price range... a friend of mine got tickets, but it is still a big of money..

I am glad that i am not the only one that tells the babysitting lie. :-) I choose to believe it about my kids.....

Awesome Mom said...

Sounds like you had a crazy weekend!

I did not learn anything new this weekend. I already knew that my youngest was a whiner and he made me wish I was deaf because I was so stinking tired of hearing him whine.

b. said...

Sooo, Sooo Funny Bek!
I'm a babysitter liar too.
And backchat....HA!
Cubby'll figure it out....in HIS own timing, unfortunately!
Go get a pedicure anyway!

b. said...

ps. Have your cleaning lady potty train him.

AzĂșcar said...

Truffle pig! I laughed so hard!!

We decided to potty train another time. And I mean by We, I mean Him.

Queen Scarlett said...

Oh you made me laugh out loud more than once with this post. I can't wait to bring my little girls to play... ;-)

I do the babysitting lie... just because I think people are sensitive about their kids... however - there are a few friends I can be honest with...because I beg them to be honest with me.

Truth is...I abhor babysitting. Don't know what it is... It's never as bad as it seems ...but the first thought when I'm asked is "oh brother"... I just haven't had to get babysitters... yet...

I love your response to critiques... honestly - what is it with people telling you about the hair thing?? Don't they know what it was like???

ps. I haven't even tried to go full bore with letting Kalea in on self-directed baking... I only let her do certain things... things that won't bring me to a major freak out because of chaos. So... you're WAY better than I am.

pps. THANKS for all your help with the invites... everyone loves them and I keep telling them about my blogging friend.

Erin said...

Bek,
I love all of this. It was a much needed laugh.

Potty training...IKES. Mr. Marcus is starting to think about it, and he does it happily, but we need to work on certain aspects of his technique, such as OPENING the toilet before peeing all over it. That kind of thing...

Don't let the ladies get you down about N.'s hair... She is WAY too gorgeous to look like Aresenio Hall from any year (although that was hilarious).

Have you tried doing some little "poofs" or anything like that? they are pretty quick and don't require much time or skill (and don't need the kid to sit still for them either).

I hope all the snot dries up over there... Marcus has allergies too, and we keep trying to get him to STOP putting the used tissues back into the box. Oh bother! :)

Hugs,
E

Bek said...

I love all you ladies..

Carina, have a baby already. I am anxious to meet this kid. I knew you would get the truffle pig thing. BTW.. when I got him up from his nap today he had three straight pins and a bottle of yellow food coloring. WHERE DOES HE GET THIS STUFF? His room has a bed and a dresser, that is it. If Truffle Pigs had an olympic event, he would win it.

Queen, bring the girls by. I cannot guarentee their safety (see above) but they WILL have a good time and I WILL tell you they were fine....

B--you are so good to me. I need to see you again.

HI barb and Awesome Mom!!! YOu are pretty new here (at least in the comments) but I loved what you had to say and have checked you out... I see a west coast bloggers lunch in the works.

Erin, Marcus. I want to eat his cheeks. I love that he pees on the toilet BEFORE he opens it. I think that would appeal to Cubby, but nope. Diet Coke.

I SHOULD have the cleaning lady potty train him. She thinks she can do all the other stuff better than I can (and frankly, she does). Good point!

compulsive writer said...

I used to tell my husband that getting all the kids ready and out the door was like putting in a full-day's work in 2.5 hours. Seriously!

(And I think b.'s idea is great. I'm a big fan of the "you don't like it? then you do it!" approach.)

(And I'm totally with you about Sting.)

citymama1 said...

Hilarious post. You're so clever.

Chocolate cake-yum. Even with the glass shards.

Potty Training- no advice here. But God speed.

Sting- I heard his lute song the other day and loved it. It made me want to go dress up, speak in a bad english accent, and go to a Rennaissance Fair.

It's amazing the life lessons your kids can teach you. You're lucky to have your little Truffle Pig. Every family needs a "finder". So far I'm the finder in our family...but I'm grooming my offspring.

Good luck. Great post.

Leisha said...

Right on...absolutely hilarious! Welcome to my world (sans the housekeeper...I wish!)

Lindsey said...

YOU FREAKING CRACK ME UP!! I am almost falling off my chair from laughing so hard.

The Arsenio Hall reference started it...

I just love comments from people who are perfect strangers. I had a lady come up to me in Trader Joe's one time and tell me how I should handle my screaming 2-year-old and baby, one cart, and all my groceries. I started to look around for her children--they were home with the nanny. Figures, eh?

I love Sting, too. I say him playing the lute on PBS, did you see that? Maybe they only showed it in select cities.

Oh, I could go on and on about this post. SO FUNNY.

Bek said...

Lindsey, I might not make my own ice cream (one day..... one day...) but I can pull an 80's or 90's reference out of my rear at the drop of a hat. :-) Glad to see you here... your did GREAT at DM last week....

Amanda/MayhemMama said...

I can relate to the feeling that sometimes the harder I try to have a positive educational/productive/fun-filled time with the kids, the worse it goes...

The idea of your housekeeper toilet training Jacob cracks me up! Great idea!

And Diet Coke... Mmmmm...

Betina said...

Bek, you are on a roll! WalMart is the necessary evil we must deal with. Never listen to a word anyone says to you there, we are all in the deep dark depths of hell and cannot be held accountable for what comes out of our mouths until we leave the store.

Remember - you are a great Mom! Good luck with potty training. My MIL said don't even try with boys till they are 3.

This is me said...

This post was fantastic! I am right there with you on the WalMart thing. Unfortunately, I live in a small town and that is our only option. I always feel like I need a shower after shopping there.

The only way my daughter ever got potty trained was because we were living with my in-laws at the time, so I basically let her grandmother do it. So, I guess that's my potty training advice to you.

And, finally, your stories about your son scare me because I fear I have one of those in the making. My boy is seventeen months old, STILL not walking, but can push a chair anywhere in the house and climb up on it to get whatever he shouldn't have. I know that as soon as I hear the sound of the kitchen chairs scrapping across the linoleum, I need to come running.

Bek said...

This is me..... I feel your pain. I just went back and read some posts from about a year ago when the crazy was beginning... shudder. It does get better every day and I need to point out that there are many, many wonderful things about this boy..... they just aren't as much fun to blog about...

Design Mom said...

So funny! I think this is my new favorite post of yours. Sorry it was a rough weekend. But thanks for making me laugh by writing about it!

Bek said...

Actually, I wouldn't have classified it as rough, just normal. But it does sound better in retrospect.....

lisa v. clark said...

Well Bek, you know how I feel about Gordon. . . I remember that incident with Jimmy V because I think about how that should have happened to me. And then, if I really want to feel sorry for myself, I remind myself how Jimmy V got tickets for everyone 11 days after I had a baby, and I couldn't go because I was still in my pajamas, crying. That special kind of postpardum crying. Good times, good times. We DESERVE to go to the Police concert.

I love that you tried to bake a cake with your kids! You r-o-c-k in the u-s-a.

Bek said...

Seriously Lisa V, can't you work the Jimmy V connection to get yourself to the Police concert? Eh? In case I wasn't clear enough about the unfairness of Gordon telling Jimmy V he "liked their stuff", I clearly thought that he belonged on the doorstep of a certian Utah housewife to tell HER thank for being such a great fan and for being such an awesome older sister....... I am shaking my fist at Jimmy V and those other four dudes right now......

La Yen said...

We need to keep the babies away from each other. Serio.

And I still order "Virgin Jimmy V's" at restaurants. (Half Ginger-ale, half Sprite. I can't drink the hard stuff with caffeine.) Just to get the name out there.

My theory is that they will be potty trained by Kindergarten. I will worry after that.